Confessions of a Supermom

Recently, as I was hanging out with a friend discussing homeschool, another friend piped up and said, "Oh, I could never do that. I am not supermom."  She didn't mean it in a mean or disrespectful way.  In fact, she was very sincere and meant it as a compliment.  It caused me to stop and think--do people perceive me as supermom?

I asked another friend who quickly said, "If I didn't know you as well as I do, and for as long as I have, I would totally think you were supermom and that I could never do all the things you do". Wow.  Guys, I am so NOT a supermom, and I can prove it!  Below is a list of 5 things that completely strip me of any possibility for the title of Supermom.

#1-- I do not homeschool perfectly.  In fact, often times I don't even homeschool well. Yes, my child is learning, but most days  I could do better.  I could do more.  I could teach more creatively. I could teach less creatively and stick to worksheets and drills.  I often struggle to teach certain concepts, and frequently find myself having to relearn something from my own, failed elementary days in order to properly teach my child. Many times we are learning together, even though she may not realize it at the time.   Additionally, people have a misconception of what homeschool really is. The whole point of homeschool is to develop character in your child, and to teach them a love of learning so they can pursue education and learning independently. It is not standing at a chalkboard with a pointer.  While there are frequent victories in our homeschool, there are also daily failures on my part.  And isn't that what all mothers do?  I am not doing anything more extraordinary than what you do. I'm just using a different avenue that has my children with me for longer periods of time. Which leads me right into disqualifier number 2.

#2-- I lack patience.  I lose my temper daily.  I struggle with my tongue and controlling my words when I'm angry.  Just last night when my husband got home I had to confess to him that I needed his help with the kids.  They'd ignored my requests to pick up the 5 toys in the living room even though  I had been asking them repeatedly for 20 minutes.  I was frazzled, tired, and had definitely reached my end-of-the-day rope. Additionally, I had to confess that I was just too angry to discipline them at all.  It was better to keep my mouth shut, my hands busy cooking, and let him speak to them.  Thankfully, I have a sweet and loving husband who simply kissed me, smiled, and went in to speak to the girls. Moments later I heard my oldest running the vacuum (finally!) and toys being carried off to the playroom. Whew.

#3 --I have fear.  I have a child with special medical needs.  We have a large and unique team of doctors ranging from interventional radiologists, to geneticists, to cardiologists and endocrinologists.  She has sensory issues, gravitational insecurity, core instability, a heart defect, growth issues, heat intolerance, lymphatic defects, and a whole host of other problems.  With each passing year, we learn of a new problem or quirk and often our lack of knowledge comes at the expense of our child who has to suffer while we learn.  At times, thoughts of her future can nearly paralyze me with fear.  The older she gets, the more we can expect to medically take on.  There are very few people in my life who even know the full extent of what it means to have a Turner Syndrome child.  I do recognize that I am tremendously blessed to have her, but it doesn't mean I'm a supermom who doesn't worry.  No, quite the opposite.  I do worry.  When push comes to shove though,  I simply put my head and shoulders down and charge through  like a linebacker.  Why?  Because that's what all moms do.  If you're thinking, "I could never do that" you are wrong. You would if you had to, and you'd give it your 100%.  That's not supermom, that's just being Mom.

#4-- I am lazy.  My goodness friends, I am sooooo lazy!  I can already hear some of you in my head saying, "Well of course you stop to take breaks. You're so busy!"  No.  Hear me and hear me well.  Yes, I am busy.  This does not mean I am making the most of and maximizing my time well. My husband will tell you I spend way too much time on the internet.  Time that I could be using to better address the house.  Again, I can hear some of you saying (because it has been said to me before)  "yes, but you make your own bread and Cheeze-It's for crying out loud! That is SO not lazy!"   True. I do.  It's better for my kiddos and it saves us money. Wanna know the truth though? Saving money and providing healthier options are only the minor reasons why I do it.  My primary motivation is pure selfishness. I like to cook so making those homemade items is my pleasure and it's where I find my joy and relaxation. It's not because I'm supermom. It's because it is a personal passion and I find it fun!   If you loved to cook you'd make those things too if they interested you.  Right?  Right. 

#5-- Okay, this is as much confession as it is disqualifier.  I. Am. Gross.  90% of my days are spent in yoga pants and an old Goodwill t-shirt.  Most of you don't see me during the day when I go to the store.  If you do happen to run into me, I'm usually in a hat with my dirty hair hid underneath, no makeup, flour and various other "ucks" on my t-shirt, my Birkenstock sandals with socks on, and my backpack purse that has the outer leather tearing off in layers like the peel of a bad sunburn, and my kids are in whatever outfit met their fancy that day.  I am unshowered, unclean, stinky from working out, and just generally GROSS.  Taking care of myself has been very low on my list of priorities.  I am working in babysteps toward altering that, but for now, looking nice is the lowest priority.  Supermoms don't look gross. They are polished and pulled together.  This is a fact.

So there you have it.  I fail daily in my home and homeschool. I lack patience. I lose control of my tongue and raise my voice and/or lose my temper. I am often fearful of the future and the unknown as well as the inevitable's. I am lazy. I am a slob.  I am NOT supermom.  I am simply Mom.  I am just like you.  You go to a job every day.  You are an expert at what you do, but you got there in stages.  You didn't come in knowing everything, but you did pick up more as time passed.  It is the same for me. I am simply a mom with a slightly different job description than you.  If you were asked to fill a similar position though, I have no doubt that you too would learn the ropes and slowly become stronger in your field.  What matters in life is that you strive to do your best no matter where you are and what you're doing.  Be it in the role of homeschool mom, office clerk,  homemaker with or without your children at home, McDonald's cashier, or whatever job you are currently serving in.  There's no such thing as a supermom.  There's just super Moms, doing what super Moms all over the world do.

And whatsoever ye do, do it heartily, as to the Lord, and not unto men;

Colossians 3:23

 

Get Uncomfortable!

"And he said to them, “The harvest is plentiful, but the laborers are few. Therefore pray earnestly to the Lord of the harvest to send out laborers into his harvest."
Luke 10:2

Today is going to be a good day!  Ever have one of those "good day" feelings where you wake up just knowing it's going to be fabulous?  Yep, that's me!  Despite the fact that I was awake until 1am I found myself naturally waking at 7:15 this morning, bright eyed and bushy tailed--ready to go workout. Prayer answered!  That's what I've been praying for. YAY!  I immediately got up and started my DVD and then was shocked when it was over.  The time just flew by AND I was able to finally, for the first time ever, doing all the exercises without a modifier or aid of a chair.  What an amazing feeling!  To really put the icing on on the cake I measured myself and I have lost 6 lbs and 7 1/2 total inches in just under 2 weeks. WHAAAT?!  That's incredible! Go PiYo and Shakeology!

Yesterday was equally wonderful too.  I went with a good friend and our children on a field trip to Compassion International where we learned about what it is like to live as a child in a 3rd world country.  I chose a sweet little girl named Eiti in Bangladesh to sponsor. The money donated by our household will ensure she can go to school, receive extra meals, and medical care as needed. She will also receive the gospel message. She lives in a country and town where it is 83% muslim, 16% hindu, and less than 1% Christian. It felt really good to do something so life changing for someone else and I will be praying for her and her family daily.

After my workout and taking a moment to admire Eiti's photo, I sat down for my morning Bible study.  I am reading in the book of Acts and read chapter 14 this morning.  I've read this chapter and book before, however, this morning something new struck me.  As I read the story of Paul's persecution, and how he was stoned and "supposed for dead" I thought about how passionately he worked to share and spread the gospel of Christ.  So passionately, that he was imprisoned.  He came back and preached anyways.  So passionately that he was beaten. He came back and preached anyways. So passionately that he was stone.  STONED!  Can you imagine the pain of being beat to death, or nearly to death in his case, with rocks and stones?  I wondered if he lost any teeth and then thought about how painful that must have been. I thought about how bruised he must have been. I thought about what it must have felt like to have large rocks thrown at his body with all the force a man can muster.  Can you imagine it?  Imagine how sore. Imagine how tired.  What did he do though?  He got up the very next day and went right back to preaching.  That is some serious perseverance. That is a serious love for Christ and an extreme heart for doing Kingdom work.

This caused me to pause and think--just how much am I doing for God's Kingdom? Sure, I teach at church on Wednesday nights and I sing and play piano, but do I get out there and spread God's word?  Do I go face to face with people and start talking to them about Christ? Do I approach strangers and step completely outside of my comfort zone to make certain that they know who Christ is? Sadly, the answer is "no".  Yes, I share Christ, but only within my comfort zone.

We live in a country where we can share the gospel message without fear of persecution beyond peer pressure.  We don't have to worry about being stoned to death for preaching the way Paul did. We don't have to fear being a Christian the way Eiti will in a muslim and hindu dominated country. People, it's time for us to step outside the box. It's time to get uncomfortable.  Facebook is a great way to share the Good News, but if that's you're only "ministry" then it's time to take it up a notch.  If you don't feel qualified then GET qualified. Read your Bible! Study to show thyself approved!  I don't know about you, but I'm ready to get uncomfortable and make some changes. People are dying. People are dying without knowing Christ. Unacceptable.

 "And I heard the voice of the Lord saying, “Whom shall I send, and who will go for us?” Then I said, “Here am I! Send me.”"
Isaiah 6:8 

 "And he said to them, “Follow me, and I will make you fishers of men.”"
Matthew 4:19 

 "Do you not say, ‘There are yet four months, then comes the harvest’? Look, I tell you, lift up your eyes, and see that the fields are white for harvest. Already the one who reaps is receiving wages and gathering fruit for eternal life, so that sower and reaper may rejoice together."
John 4:35-36

I pray that today, you find your courage. I pray the Lord consume you with the Holy Spirit to guide your heart, guide your mouth, and guide your actions.  I pray you be used for His Kingdom purposes.  May your today be as wonderful as your tomorrow.

NOW GO GET UNCOMFORTABLE!  :) 

A Crazy Start To An Amazing Week

Today is turning into one of those crazy-running-around-like-a-chicken-with-its-head-cut-off kind of days.  It's not even 9am yet and already very little has gone according to plan.

The morning started off well enough. I got up at 7am and did my 20 minute PiYo workout. My plan was to complete my PiYo, then consider a 20 minute step aerobic workout.  I pushed myself in PiYo though and found that my arms and stomach were very tired.  As I looked at the clock I thought, "Oh well. Perhaps I can squeeze that extra workout in this afternoon.  I should get on with my Bible study for now."  I sat down to read and discovered this morning's chapter was an unusually long one.  I also realized that I am a chapter behind in my reading schedule so I actually had 2 chapters to read.  Bible study took a little longer than planned, but that was okay too.  

After finishing my chapters I began my prayer journal. This is the most peaceful way to start my day and tends to keep me focused.  Without it my day goes completely awry. Just as I was finishing, I looked up to see my 9 year old standing in the doorway.  I knew she was excited about a field trip today with friends and was not surprised to see her awake and bright eyed in her excitement. What I was surprised at  was the condition of her hair.  It looked like a bird's nest.  Anyone who knows my daughter knows that is bad news with her long, thick, curly hair.  I immediately rushed her off to the shower to give her hair a deep conditioning so that we might be able to get a brush through it.  

As we were heading for the shower, it occurred to me that she had no clean clothes--at least not "field trip" clothes.  At the same moment I also remembered last night's conversation with my husband:
Me:             Honey, do you have clean pants for tomorrow?
Honey:        I'm fine. I have a pair I can wear (code for "If you want to put off laundry you can")
Me:             Okay good. It's late and I just remembered that we're out of laundry detergent.
                     I really didn't feel like stay up to make any. I'll do it tomorrow.

We're out of clothes and we have no laundry soap!!!!  I raced to help my daughter wash her hair and then left her to finish up in the shower as I ran to the kitchen to start a pot of boiling water.  I rapidly dug out my recipe, silently thanking the Lord that I recently switched to a detergent that no longer requires a 24 hour sitting period, and began the task of making detergent, choose my scents, and transferring to a bottle for easy dispensing.  I managed to get the load of clothes started with enough time to wash and dry before our friends arrive to pick us up for the field trip.

In the meantime, my 3 year old woke up cranky.  She'd had her first overnight accident and was upset to find herself wet. She didn't understand what had happened and was doubly upset because her allergies have flared up and her nose is runny.  I stripped her wet clothes off, gave instructions to the oldest to help her find fresh clothes, then raced off to the laundry room to finalize my tasks.

After pinning the youngest down for her nose spray, working inch by inch through my oldest daughter's rats, and getting the laundry started (I remembered hubby's pants too!) I took a moment to breathe and think.  What happened to my morning?  What happened to my carefully planned and crafted 3 hour time slot?  I was reminded that our plans are always made Lord willing.  He is truly in control of our day.  This is especially true of mine since I specifically asked Him to take control of my day during my prayer time!  

I can imagine some of you are reading this and scratching your head, wondering what the point is?  Is there a lesson here?  Well of course there is! Just a couple of weeks ago I would have screamed in frustration. I would have freaked out.  I would have been stressed and inadvertently passed that attitude on to my children. Today, however, was different. Even though I had several "OH NO!" moments, I never lost my temper. I never lost control of my tongue.  The prayers I have been praying for self control are slowly become evident in their answers as the Lord works on me.  If you open your eyes, you'll find His lessons are all around you.  His lessons come in the big things, and in the small things. 

My prayers have been for self control.  My prayers have been to become fit and healthy, but to remain humble so that I might bring glory and honor to Him.  My prayers have been to become a better steward with our finances, to have a heart to use our finances for His Kingdom rather than my desire for "stuff", and to also pay off our debt and own our home.  All of this only if it be His will.  


"And all things, whatsoever ye shall ask in prayer, believing, ye shall receive." (Matthew 21:22)  

"Therefore I say unto you, What things soever ye desire, when ye pray, believe that ye receive them, and ye shall have them." (Mark 11:24) 

 "If ye then, being evil, know how to give good gifts unto your children: how much more shall your heavenly Father give the Holy Spirit to them that ask him?" (Luke 11:13) 

 "And whatsoever ye shall ask in my name, that will I do, that the Father may be glorified in the Son. If ye shall ask any thing in my name, I will do it." (John 14:13-14) 
 
May the Lord guide you and bless you today. May He give you a heart for Him in all you do. God bless and have a wonderful week!

New Me

Today I woke up feeling "different".  My body felt different. My mind felt different. My spirit felt different.  I quite literally feel like I am shedding off an old life and moving into a new one.  I know that sounds crazy but I really don't have any other words to describe it!  I just felt new and in every sense of the word. When I awoke I instantly noticed the first newness--I was sleeping prone, with my arms stretched wide, and one leg extended up and I was very comfortable. That was a *gasp!* moment for me.  You see, my hip, leg, and knee problems have been so severe, for so long, that I have spent the past 17 years waking with muscle pain and tension.  The position I awoke in was normal for me, however, usually I would have been in more of a crouched position to compensate for my tight hips and certainly not stretched out!  The very fact that I was laying like that, with no pain or discomfort and the realization that I'd had a very good night's rest was quite the moment for me.  This is a result of my week's worth of PiYo workouts, but it's not really about the PiYo. PiYo is responsible for walking me through the strengthening and stretching exercises, but the Lord God is who gets all the credit because He knew exactly what I needed.  I have tried many, many different avenues to obtain relief. I've tried everything from gym memberships, classes, personally customized strengthening routines, massage therapy, chiropractic care, etc.  They all provided some short term relief, but I just know in my heart that this really what I've needed all along and this is a permanent solution.  Thank you Jesus.

After taking a moment to marvel and reflect at my new stretchiness (haha!) I got up and was again flabbergasted to discover that I could easily get out of the bed.  My hips and knees didn't protest or scream in resistance.  I STOOD STRAIGHT UP!   WHHHAAAAAT?!  Where's the shooting knee pain? Where's the aching hips?  Gone!  Needless to say, I was very happy and practically skipped my way through the house as I went to make coffee.  As I stood at the coffee maker the next realization hit.  I don't need it.  I enjoy it, I want it, but I don't need it.  That's a big change from my habits as normally I drink around a pot and a half of black coffee a day.  I thought back to yesterday and remembered the pot I had brewed in the morning prior to co-op.  I drank a cup at home, took a large cup with me, and had one more cup when I got home. The pot I had made was not a full pot, and this morning there was still coffee in it from yesterday.  I no longer have to have coffee to function!  Praise the Lord that's another whispered prayer answered!

My next revelation came in my mood.  As I sat down to my Bible study I realized that my mind was sharp.  I didn't have that hazy morning fog happening. I was awake, alert, and able to focus. Normally I would find myself staring off into space, fatigued and unable to focus while I tried to pull it together long enough to read a chapter.  That was not the case today.  Amazing.  This lack of focus and concentration/fatigue has been another large problem for me and one I've suspected was  rooted in poor nutrition.  My nutritional changes have made an impact.  And that's another praise because up until just over a week ago I had no idea what to do. I'd already tried changing my diet. I'd already tried eating better and pushing the nutrition. I'd been drinking low calorie protein shakes for a couple of years.  Nothing was working.  I am so grateful the Lord showed me exactly what my body needed.  My body needed Shakeology.  I am emphasizing my body because I am not trying to tell everyone to go buy Shakeology.  God knows what I can and cannot eat, and He knows what I will and will not eat. He knows everything about my body from what it is lacking in nutrition, to the specifics of what my cells need to function at their prime ability. God knows that Shakeology contained the minerals and nutrients I was lacking.  Is there something your body is lacking?  I have no answer for you but I can tell you that our mighty Creator does have the answer. Ask Him!   He has truly blessed me through answered prayers.  I just can't say this enough! He'll show you what you need to do.

After taking in all this new information--my body, my muscles, my mind, my nutrition--I had a giant "A-HA" moment.  The dots connected.  I have been praying, and praying, and praying for months that the Lord would specifically help me in two areas.  I have prayed for help getting fit and healthy, and I have prayed for help with my self control.  It was a complete revelation to me to realize that the two are connected.  My self control and moods are connected to my body and my nutrition. My spiritual well being and my mental health are connected to my body and my nutrition.  That has been a piece of the missing puzzle for a great many years.  Again, I feel it necessary to stress that it was a piece to my missing puzzle.  It was a root that needed to be pulled and that had grown so deep that I could not even see it was there.  The Lord has exposed that and now I am armed with knowledge.  I can never go back.  I don't want to go back!

I am looking forward to today's workout.  I am looking forward to eating properly. My heart rejoices that I have learned some self control.  I am certain I still have much to work on, but at least now I am seeing the light at the end of the tunnel and I know in which direction to travel!  Words cannot express how huge this praise report is.  There are no words other than "Thank you God!"

May the Lord open your eyes to whatever your situation may be; be it great or small.  May He answer your prayers, may He speak to your heart, may He guide you throughout the day. 

God bless.

A Work In Progress--That I Am

Yesterday I woke up joyful, and happy.  I was ready to take on the world.  My spirits were high! And then life happened and it 

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I found myself completely out of patience and turning into "raging maniac mom".  Mommas, as much as we all hate to admit it you know what I mean.  That mom who cannot see the forest for the trees. That mom who has decided all toys MUST be picked up RIGHT NOW while homework is simultaneously being done, the toilets are being cleaned, and you pat your head and rub your stomach then rub your head and pat your stomach all at the same time and "you have about 30 seconds to get it done"!   Yes.  I found myself there.  And I felt horrible.  No, I didn't physically harm my children or anything that drastic but was I a shining example to them?  Nope. Not even a little bit.  

About 10 minutes into my fit I realized what I was doing.  I took a deep breath, called my children in, and apologized. I explained what I was really upset about and was then rewarded with kisses and hugs from them.  Truth is, that entire fit came from fear. My youngest was struggling with potty training and we were 26 hours into a battle over bowel movements, or lack thereof as she held it and refused to use the potty.  I was afraid she would wind up with issues like my oldest daughter, who did the same thing only to the extreme and wound up with some pretty serious kidney and bowel issues as a result.  I lacked wisdom.  I wasn't sure how much further to push the issue and at what point I should relent. I was taking my fear and frustration out in a totally unrelated area just so I could feel like I had some sort of control over something--anything. As it turns out, my fears were unfounded.  My sweetpea did eventually use the potty. Potty training complete.  My guilt from my fit, however, was not complete. It was eating away at me as I inwardly kicked myself for being such a poor example to my children.  I mean, really, the only part I left out was throwing myself on the floor and kicking my feet. Epic fail yet again.

During the potty training process I had promised my youngest the moon.  Now it was time to make good on every one of those promises so we hopped in the car and drove to the first of several destinations.  Our first stop was at the local second hand store where my youngest had $4.00 to pick out anything she wanted. She chose a toddler ride-on toy with a handle that I could use to push her and the cost was only $3.00. She was elated.  I gave her the cash and allowed her to pay for it by herself before placing my own items up on the counter.  The cashier, a sweet, grandmother-type lady, began to pleasantly chat as she rang up my items and we discussed why there was a reward taking place. Upon further questioning from her I confirmed that my oldest was also receiving special gifts and treats because she had been such  great help in the potty training process with her little sister.  Then the cashier said something that struck me to the core.  "You're a good mom."  Good mom?  I instantly began to think back just a few hours earlier with my fit.  I was so ashamed I could not even raise my eyes to look at her.  I said, "I don't feel like a good mom. I just had the world's biggest adult temper tantrum. It was awful and I had to apologize to my children." Then she said something that changed the course of the rest of my day. She laughed and said, "Oh, we all do that. Each of us has our days. What's important is that you apologized to your girls. That's a very good example to them and something that should be taught".  Her words were so simple, yet they struck a chord deep in my soul.  I instantly thought of the apostle Paul.

 
This is a faithful saying, and worthy of all acceptation, that Christ Jesus came into the world to save sinners; of whom I am chief (1 Timothy 1:15 KJV).

"Of whom I am chief".  Oh buddy and boy-howdy am I!  I feel like Paul--I am chief.  With that said, however, I can say that Paul (originally known as Saul) is my favorite example of being changed from the inside out.  He was a man who slaughtered innocent Christians.  His goal and joy came in arresting those who taught the ways of Christ.  That is where he came from. That is who he was. Who he was.  Once he dedicated his life to Christ he was a changed man.  The Lord changed him from the inside out, and used him in a powerful and mighty way.  And Paul suffered for his faith, and he suffered for his growth.  Perhaps I need to suffer for my growth as well. Perhaps that is why I was so pained yesterday and so torn.  Perhaps the Holy Spirit was working in refinement. I think "yes".  I also think the Lord placed that lovely lady in my path to remind me that I am a work in progress and to just keep persevering.  I leave you this morning with these words:

"Let love be without hypocrisy. Abhor what is evil; cling to what is good. Be devoted to one another in brotherly love; not lagging behind in diligence, fervent in spirit, serving the Lord; rejoicing in hope, persevering in tribulation, devoted to prayer, contributing to the needs of the saints, practicing hospitality." Romans 12: 9-13

How is your walk in Christ today my friend? If you haven't read your Bible today open it up and take a moment to gain wisdom and insight from the Lord. 

May the Lord bless you with a wonderful day, and may He shower blessings on you and work in your refinement as well.  Praise Him, thank Him, and love Him.

 

The Desire of My Heart: Another Answered Prayer

This morning I sat down and wrote a lengthy blog. I spoke all about my journey toward fitness, where I am at, and how I achieved a victory today.  And then I decided to start all over.  Something about it just didn't feel right.  I saved it and perhaps I will share another day, but for now, I am going to write in the direction I feel the Lord is leading me.

This morning I awoke refreshed and alert.  I am not exaggerating when I tell you that I feel fabulous.  I feel great physically and emotionally.  This is a huge blessing, and definitely an answer to prayer.  You see, I keep a prayer journal so it is very easy to not only find that I have requested prayer in a certain area, but to also see just how long and fervently I prayed that request.  The prayer for help to "get healthy" has been a long one.  As I looked back through my current journal I found it there in every entry.  I grabbed my previous journal, now filled, and again found the same prayer for many months. "Please help me to get healthy".   I cannot say that I've ever felt alone in my journey, but I can say I have felt a bit lost and without direction. Looking back now though, I see the Lord's hand guiding me through every step of the process.  In February 2014 He helped me to find the strength and courage to quit smoking.  By April I had succeeded.  I steadily gained weight and began pleading for His help to lose weight and get fit and healthy, while working to set my heart and mind on getting fit and healthy for my family and for the Lord so that I might be used for His kingdom.  In August I began exercising and lowering my caloric intake. I found my stamina building for cardiovascular exercise, but no weight loss. In frustration I pleaded with Him again to please help me.  I had become tired, and fatigued, and horribly cranky. It was affecting all aspects of my life and having a grossly negative impact.  I was at a loss and didn't know what to do.  The Lord answered my prayer and this morning I woke up feeling amazing for the first time in as long as I can remember. I am full of energy. My mind is clear. I am not cranky. I feel fantastic!  Right now it is not important what changed in my life to get me to this place.  If you would like to know please post a comment below, or join my Facebook page "Getting Fit With Monica".  For now though, it is not important. The details don't matter. What matters is that God knew this was my answer for my journey and today I am filled with hope and joy. In other words, I cannot know if this the same answer for you. Only the Lord knows.

I can finally see the light at the end of the tunnel and I know the Lord is with me, helping me in this journey.  Even better, even greater, even more important is that I am confident He will use me for His Kingdom purposes!  If you have a relationship with God, you can understand just how exciting that is.  To know the Lord is going to use you in a powerful way.  It might only be for one person.  That doesn't matter because it's for God so that one person is as important as a million people! Or, it might be for a million people. Who knows?  Either way, it's a great thing.  It's a wonderful thing.  I want to shout to the rooftops "THE LORD HAS ANSWERED MY PRAYER!"  If you do not have a relationship with Christ then you likely think I am completely batty. HAHA!  Trust me though, when you know God, when you really know Him, He becomes your best friend. He becomes your father in every sense of the word. He becomes your confidant. He becomes your guide. He becomes the light of your world, the only One you want to please, the center of your universe.  And when you feel His love, and He answers your prayers so simply and completely you have joy unspeakable.  Unspeakable is true too. I cannot find the words to truly describe what I am feeling.  I could go on and on.  May the Lord bless you, and keep you, and love you, and guide you today.  Focus your heart and mind and soul on Him. Allow Him to direct your every step today.  Thank Him.  God bless.

 Romans 15:13 May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing, so that by the power of the Holy Spirit you may abound in hope.

1 Peter 1:8  Whom having not seen, ye love; in whom, though now ye see him not, yet believing, ye rejoice with joy unspeakable and full of glory:

Psalms 28:7  The LORD is my strength and my shield; my heart trusted in him, and I am helped: therefore my heart greatly rejoiceth; and with my song will I praise him.

Lessons From God: He Cares About the Little Things

Yesterday I was absolutely pumped and excited. It was my rest day with my workout but Monday morning it would be GAME ON! I was ready to try the "Sweat" routine.  I knew it was going to be 36 minutes long instead of my usual 20 minute workout, and much more intense.  FINALLY, I was going to step my exercise up a level and get serious!  And then bedtime came, and everything was a mess.  The girls didn't want to go to sleep. Ellie had a tantrum. Alyssa kept getting out of the bed. Brad began to cough.  You know how it is momma's.  I went to sleep much too late and woke multiple times throughout the night for various reasons. When my alarm went off at 6:55 to get up and work out I was less than excited. I hit snooze a couple of times, and then finally opened my eyes and began to pray.  And wouldn't you know, the Lord answered my prayer.  He whispered, "Wake up, go exercise.  You CAN do this."   

I got dressed, grabbed a glass of water, and turned on the PS3 to play my DVD.  I guess this would be a good time to confess that we've owned this PS3 for 4 years, but I only learned how to navigate it last week when Alyssa showed me how to use it.  Unfortunately this morning, I could not figure out how to get to the menu and the DVD kept playing the wrong workout. Alyssa was sound asleep and I would feel like the worst mom in the world to wake her 2 hours early just to help me with the remote.  In frustration I said, "God! I need help finding the menu!" and before I even finished the menu popped up and I was able to choose the correct workout.  I still have no idea which option controls the menu so I'll have to ask Alyssa, but I did make sure to thank God for answering even the simplest "Help me with the PS3 remote" prayer.  Isn't God great?  Even the little things matter to Him.

Let's rest on that thought for a moment. Even the little things matter.  I have heard from friends time and time again that they do not go to the Lord with the little things. They don't ask for the Lord's help or divine intervention unless it's for something big.  Why?  The Bible tells us to talk to Him; to ask for His help. 

1 Peter 5:7 "casting all our anxiety on Him, because He cares for you."

This does not say "casting your serious fears" or "casting only that which might cause catastrophe".  No. It says casting ALL our anxiety on Him.  Why? Because He cares for you.  

My Bible commentary says this, "This verse partly quotes and partly interprets Psalm 55:22. "Casting" means "to throw something on something" as to throw a blanket on a donkey (Luke 19:35). Christians are to cast all of their discontent, discouragement, despair, and suffering on the Lord, and trust Him for knowing what He's doing with their lives (1 Samuel 1:10-18). Along with submission (verse 5) and humility (verses 5, 6), trust in God is the third attitude necessary for victorious Christian living."

I took a moment to look up Psalm 55:22 which reads, "Cast your burden upon the Lord and He will sustain you; He will never allow the righteous to be shaken."

That is what we should do. Cast ALL our anxiety on Him.  Even if it's just a frustration with the long line at the grocery store.  Even if you're having a bad hair day. Even if it's the silly PS3 remote.  Do you think the Lord was angry with me for that? Do you think He huffed and said, "Monica! I am very busy and these trivial things do not require my time"?  No, of course not! He's the Great God of the Universe!  He created everything we see, feel, and hear out of nothing but His spoken Word.  I think it is well established that He is not incapable of multitasking. He is everywhere at once.  He can handle all requests. No, He did not huff at me. Quite the contrary!  He used this as a lesson to trust in Him.  He used it to lead me to open up my Bible and research the scriptures and what the Word says about trusting in God. He used it to show me how quickly He can, and will, often answer prayer.  He used it as a tool to teach me not to sweat the little things, and not to get worked up over something so trivial. In fact, He responded BEFORE I could get worked up and provided yet another lesson in not sweating the small stuff.  It is not at all ironic that I have been praying for help with my self control, or lack thereof.  This was a small lesson in self control--I did not lose my temper. I did not lose control of my tongue. I did not get angry and walk away.  The Lord answered my prayer, and then used it to teach me.  More than likely, if this happens again with the remote I won't feel so frustrated and will calmly work my way through the issue.  How much you wanna bet that spills over into another area of my life as well?  More than likely it will. That's just the way God works! He is infinitely creative. He cares about your problems--big and small.  He will use anything, and everything, as a lesson but you need to go to Him and ask Him for His help and guidance.

Coincidentally, my body is screaming at me from the awesome and amazing workout. I am so glad the Lord gave me the courage, and strength, self control, and perseverance to get up! I pray the Lord continue helping me with my self control so that I might produce good fruit.  I have asked for help to get healthy, but to remain humble. I have asked that He give me Kingdom Eyes--always looking up toward Him as He guides my every step. I am not afraid to ask and to petition the Lord but always with His will in mind.  I do trust that if I am desiring something that is not within His will, He will gently redirect my heart.  You do the same.  If you haven't spoke to the Lord this morning stop what you're doing right now and talk to Him.  Tell Him your heart's desire and don't be afraid. He already knows your secret thoughts. He knows your heart better than you do!  If you ask Him, He will help you.  Just say "Help me Jesus".  I promise, He is there and listening.

Have a wonderful, blessed day and may the Lord guide and direct your every step. Feel free to post prayer requests or comments. Keep your dialog open with the Lord and enjoy your day.  Persevere my friend!

DAY 2

So far so good!  I completed Day 2 of my PiYo workout which involved upper body strength. It was short and sweet and when it was complete I thought, "Is that it? Did I not work hard enough?"   And then I stood up off the floor. OHHHH MY!  My muscles are screaming "WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO US?!"  Love it!  I had no idea that my legs were that strong, or that my core was THAT weak. Wow.  I drank my second serving of Chocolate Shakeology as well.  It's not the yummiest thing on the face of the planet, but at the same time, it's not a fight to get it down either.  Today I tried it with frozen, organic strawberries and ice to make a thick shake but I think I overdid it with the additional water. I was afraid it would be too thick so I added 3/4 cup of water to the mix.  I wound up with a ridiculously huge serving as a result and it took nearly 30 minutes to drink it all. Guess I'm good until suppertime now. HA HA!

I'm getting very excited about this journey, and I'm setting myself up for success!  I've been following Coach Tulin on Facebook and YouTube. She's an absolute inspiration and my goodness, if she can do it I can do it too!  She had to work so hard to get to where she is now, and I still have a shorter distance to go than her yet she's not discouraged.  I have her "5 Tips on starting a workout program as a plus size woman" posted on my wall for encouragement and as a reminder on the rough days that I know are coming. My PiYo workout schedule is posted on the wall.  My recommended PiYo eating plan is posted on the wall as well with reminders of serving sizes for each food group.  I took it a step further and made myself a printable document with headers for the various food groups so I can simply place a tick mark in each column as I consume a serving. Keeping this on the fridge will be helpful and will be a fantastic visual aid to help me keep track of my eating throughout the day.  I am setting myself up for success.  I need to do this. I have to do this. My body simply cannot take any more abuse. It cannot afford to gain even 5 more lbs.  And when I lie to myself and say, "Oh, you don't look that bad" or "a few more pounds won't matter that much" these visual aids will remind me that yes, I DO look that bad and yes, a few more pounds WILL matter.

Tomorrow is Sunday and will be my day of rest.  I might repeat one of the strength videos if I am feeling up to it, but I am saving "Sweat" until Monday.  I hear it is pretty hard-core and a strenuous and long workout.  Monday.  That's a challenge all in its own.  I will need to wake up early and exercise before the girls get up for school.  They generally sleep until about 8:30 so if I'm up by 7:00'ish I will have plenty of time to workout, read my Bible, drink some coffee, and get my day started.  Traditionally that has been a disaster. I don't sleep well at night. My hips throb, my feet wake me with charlie horses, my back aches, and I toss and turn all night.  I am hoping that this program will address the sleep issues as well so I can be rested enough to get up and function throughout the day instead of being a tired, cranky, less-than-stellar mother and wife.

Be on the lookout for a post Monday and for Day 3 details! It's about to get real up in the Ferrell household!

A New Journey!

Wow, it has been so long since I last posted that I'm ashamed of myself. I began blogging with the best of intentions, however, quickly realized it was pulling too much time away from my family and dominating my life.  I needed to regather, come up with a better action plan, and focus my energy appropriately.  With that being said, I've also missed the creative outlet that blogging provided.  I'm going to try it again, only on a smaller scale. If people read what I post, that's great. If they don't, that's okay too.  This is as much for myself as it is for others, although I certainly hope to inspire others as well.

I am beginning a new journey!  This is probably the scariest thing I've ever done.  I'm embarking on a journey to get healthy.  I don't mean thin.  I don't mean a size 6.  I mean healthy in every aspect of the word. I want my body to function at max capacity.  I want my temple to be in good shape.  If I look better that's a bonus.  I KNOW I will feel better and I know the Lord will be pleased as long as I remain humble in my endeavors.  Here's the reality.  The reality is I am 41 years old, 45 lbs overweight, and I suffer from PCOS, hypoglycemia, and am trending towards and frequently tested for hypothyroid and diabetes.  I also have all the signs and symptoms of peri-menopause.   So I decided 8 months ago to take the steps necessary to begin changing my life.  My first step was to quit smoking--and I did.  I have been nicotine free for 6 months now and will never, ever, EVER pick up another cigarette for the rest of my life.  While that is fantastic, the downside is I gained 20 lbs (that I'd just lost I might add) quite rapidly.  About a month ago I decided to go back to my healthy way of eating, which is how I lost 20 lbs before.  I began tracking my calories, carbs, and fat grams on myfitnesspal.com and waited in eager anticipation for the weight to fly off, just as it always has.  The scales didn't move.  I added in intense cardio exercise 4-5 days a week doing step aerobics and various Denise Austin workouts. The scales didn't move.  I felt defeated, frustrated, and very angry.

After speaking with my best friend, I decided to try Do Terra's Slim and Sassy along with their Women's Phytoestrogen Complex, designed for women in perimenopause and menopause along with treating symptoms of PMS.  Finally, the scales did begin to move, but at a slower-than-normal pace.  But hey, at least there was movement right?  I also noticed my mood swings decreasing so that was a great blessing as well.  Unfortunately though, I still felt tired and sluggish most of the time.  And the scales still were slow to move.  I decided to add in another step to my journey--I purchased the Beachbody PiYo program to help with my severely jacked-up hips and knees, and to help burn fat and tone muscle. I also purchased a bag of Shakeology to see if it helps my energy levels at all.  I cannot spend the rest of my days feeling cranky and slugglish. Perhaps some added, balanced nutrition will help.  I normally don't buy into the idea of meal replacements, however, when I found that Shakeology is GMO free and very organic I changed my mind and decided to give it a try.

So that's where I am at today.  I am drinking my first cup of Shakeology right now as we speak.  I've done one workout with PiYo and LOVED it.  If nothing else, my tight hips and legs will thank me and so will my massage therapist and chiropractor. HAHA!  My intent is to journal on a regular basis and to share my journey.  I like the idea of accountability through my blog.  I want my energy back. I want to feel good again.  I no longer want to be that lazy, cranky mother and wife I've become.  I know with the Lord's help, I can do this and I may have to just be okay with very slow weightloss.  This is not going to be an easy journey, but I will persevere!

Here is the photo that has inspired me to make a change. Taken a month ago.

It's time for a change.  Bye bye old body, hello healthy new me!

 

How God Provided

This morning as I scrolled through Facebook I enjoyed looking at all the happy photos of children returning back to school.  The proud parents, the happy kids; all excited to be returning and seeing their friends while meeting their new teachers.  This naturally led me to reflect on our homeschool, and the ways in which the Lord has provided over and over again in the last year.

Many people know we homeschool, however, I am still frequently asked why. It's a natural question, and not one that I take offense to--even when they are opposed to the idea.  Our reasons are numerous:  We felt Alyssa needed one-on-one attention. There were issues with her ability to focus that I understood all too well and wanted to help her with.  She was being bullied.  It was mild and nothing horrific or over the top, but she would not stand up for herself. She was being exposed to worldly ideas and mannerisms that we did not approve of and we wanted exclusive time with her to teach her the ways of God and discretion. But none of our reasons mattered, because ultimately this was God's decision. Not ours. God led us to homeschool.  This was His idea and to be honest, prior to the Lord placing it upon my heart to homeschool, I was far too selfish and lazy to consider such a thing.  But He did, and Brad and I made the decision to walk in obedience and to trust God's plan for our family.

With that said, looking back over the last year I can clearly see God's hand in all that we have done.  Once we made the decision to homeschool, there was little time left to research and prepare before the public school system started their new year. There was much to do and little time to do it in! I was scared to death. I have a college degree, and I have experience teaching elementary children on a small scale, yet I had no clue how to actually teach my child all that she would need to learn.  The idea was horrifying and scary but God whispered to my heart, "I've got this. Stop worrying."  I chose to dive in head first in my researching, gathering up every book I could get my hands on that encouraged and instructed the homeschooling mother.  I spent hours pouring over the books, comparing curriculum, and deciding what would be the best fit for our situation. Within weeks there was a solid plan in place. Curriculum was purchased, guidance had been provided by a homeschool academy, and friends were coming out of the woodwork who were homeschool parents. I had no idea I knew so many homeschoolers!

The year began well and we fell into a routine, however, by mid January we began to hit some bumps in the road. Our curriculum wasn't working well. Alyssa wasn't retaining information the way I had hoped, and she hated the books we were using. Daily battles ensued. That's a scary thing to a homeschool parent who is trying to instill a love of learning in their child.  I didn't know what to do. God said, "I've got this. Stop worrying".  I calmed myself, and then reached out to those with homeschooling expertise.  Immediately someone suggested an online homeschooling program that had all 180 days planned out.  A comprehensive, free program that included spelling, grammar, math, logic, science, history, Bible, PE, music, and art.  I immediately tossed the books aside and plopped my child in front of the computer.  The result was nothing short of astonishing. I watched her go from hating homeschool lessons, to begging for more.  We discovered that she had an unknown passion for ancient history, and her love of science grew daily.  Grammar and spelling practice was no longer a battle.  The Lord had answered by showing us exactly the resource we needed!  I was so relieved.

In March we were still chugging along with our online schooling. All was going well, however, I still wanted to purchase some physical curriculum for the upcoming year.  The plan was to set back some money from our tax return for the purchase of those items, however, it did not work out that way.  Ellie had a second procedure on her foot, and as the medical bills came pouring in from the first and subsequent surgery, the tax return dwindled to nothing.  We had a $0 budget for the upcoming year.

The easy answer would have been to simply remain exclusive with our free, online program.  I felt that more was needed though.  Alyssa needed additional math practice for reinforcement, and additional grammar practice simply because I felt she had the potential to go farther. Additionally, there will be those days of unexpected internet problems and/or power outages. Having a few physical books on hand would ensure we could do school for the day.  She clearly needed some physical books, and I couldn't even figure out how to pay the medical bills much less find money for extra books.

Quickly, the Lord began to respond to my concerns and said, "I've got this. Stop worrying."  First He provided the desired math set, the one I just knew would be the ultimate fit for her learning style. Normally the books cost $18 each, and we needed at least the first 7 in the series to get our year going.  Even looking online for used prices I could not find them for less than $13 a book. This was too far outside of our financial ability.  Then one day, a local woman offered to sell me her 7 book set for $5 a piece.  I jumped at the opportunity and quickly raced to meet her.  We dove into the first book that evening and Alyssa began to grow in her comprehension by leaps and bounds.  Math terms we had already discussed with our previous curriculum that had been long-since forgotten were suddenly being used in her everyday vocabulary.

Our next issue involved grammar.  I really felt convicted on the fact that she needed more than she was receiving. There was untapped potential in her, just waiting to be exposed, but it was going to take a very unique approach to learning.  I began to research and found an absolute perfect match for her learning style, but again, even the used prices were far outside of my financial ability.  Again, the Lord responded, "I've got this. Stop worrying".  Once again I put my feelers out to a homeschool support group and someone suggested I contact The Book Samaritan.  The Book Samaritan is a church in Oklahoma that provides free curriculum based on what has been donated and is physically available in their stock. I quickly mailed them a letter asking for a specific book from our curriculum of choice, but also asked that they pray on it and let the Lord guide them in what He felt would be the best grammar curriculum for my child.  I prayed for God's guidance in their choice as we patiently waited 6 weeks for a response. Finally, in late June, a package arrived from The Book Samaritan. Alyssa and I were both so nervous and excited we were shaking.  I opened the box and immediately saw the very book I had requested, along with several children's books for Alyssa to enjoy. We both screamed in delight.  Once again, the Lord provided not only what we needed, but what our heart's desired. We began reading our new grammar book immediately and I delighted in Alyssa's growth. She began absorbing grammar like a sponge, and is now well above a 3rd grade level in her comprehension of grammar rules.

As we have progressed into our year we have hit more road bumps, but each time the Lord has provided--gently reaching His hand down and placing just the right people in our path to help. We've received assistance in new teaching approaches when hitting a road block in a new concept, we've received additional resources, made new friends to help in our journey, and Brad even received a bonus just in time for Alyssa's birthday to help put a dent in the medical bills and pay for a nice birthday gift.

I still do not know exactly what the future holds. I have no idea how long the Lord intends for me to homeschool, but I will be ready and willing no matter what His plan is.  I'm learning to stop fretting over the remaining medical bills and to just trust that God will provide in whatever way He sees fit.  I've learned to be happy with what we have, and to recognize the daily blessings.  God is all around us. He is continually helping, guiding, directing, and loving us.  Sometimes it's harder to see this in the little things, but if we keep our eyes and hearts open, we'll clearly see His hand in all we do.

If you feel the Lord calling you to homeschool, feel free to reach out to me.  I'll help in any way I can.  Homeschool is not a good fit for everyone, just as public school is not a good fit for everyone. There is no right or wrong answer--God is the only one who knows which option is best for your family.   If you're interested in the free, online curriculum we are using (which is also great for augmenting at home if you have a child in public school) the web address is Easy Peasy All In One Homeschool

 By the way, here's our back-to-school photo. :)  Thank you for reading my blog, and have a blessed day! 

 

Perception vs Reality

Recently I set up a date with a girlfriend to discuss homeschool. She needed some help and advice and wanted to pick my brain.  I'm always open to sharing what I know; even if it's very little. (HAHA!)  I settled myself into a booth at the restaurant and basked in the quiet moments of being out and about without the kiddos.  Once she arrived, we enjoyed a few moments of chit-chat before diving into the topics of discussion.  What she said next caused me to pause and reflect a moment. In a nutshell, she stated that she would like to be able to manage the household and homeschooling the way I do.  My initial thought was "I don't manage well at all" and the first words out of my mouth were "my house is a wreck, all the time!"  

This conversation has caused me to stop and consider her words many times over the past few days.  Not too long ago I read an article from a homeschool mom about the importance of keeping it real, and not sharing only the good stuff because it gives the new homeschool moms, and other moms in general, the idea that you are doing everything well. It sets them up to believe they are failures in their own quest to homeschool because the perception is not their reality.  I realized that through my Facebook posts and blog, I might be giving the perception that I have it all together, when in fact, I don't.  This, of course, is not intentional.  I believe that what I say, and what I post, should be positive and edifying--if it is not then I shouldn't say anything at all.  

Ephesians 4:29

 Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen.

 

I try to stick to that. I do fail at times and I believe the world gets a glimpse of my reality, but on average, I try to remain positive at all times and make an effort to control my tongue in my daily life.  Today, however, I choose to share the negative realities in the hopes that it might actually edify someone else. My many daily failures, my fears, and my anxieties are yours to view.

I guess the best place to begin is homeschool.  Oh my, this is a scary topic for me! I don't want people to know where I struggle but if I'm being honest, that's due to my own pride.  So here we go..... Reality #1:  I do not always succeed in my homeschool.  I do, in fact, fail over and over again.  Whew! There, I said it.  I fail.  That's a terrifying concept to all homeschool parents and it's what we fear most.  When we fail, our child's education suffers, even if it's just for a brief moment in time as we scrape ourselves off the floor determined to find a solution to the struggle.  Our current struggle is in math. Alyssa can do addition like nobody's business, and can do simple subtraction as well.  Subtraction with regrouping, however, is a whole other story.  We've been working on it since May. I have taught her from our Saxon curriculum where the book tells you "say this, do this, write this" word for word to assist in the teaching process.  She didn't understand.  I've found online games reinforcing the concept, taught her from the board, drew pictures, and sang songs.  She still didn't understand.  We've watched videos and tutorials online of other teachers presenting the concept along with cartoon videos explaining the "how" and "why" of regrouping. She still didn't understand.  Her father has done board work with her, explained it to her, coached her through it and spent time working with her and she still doesn't understand.  In a homeschool parent this is cause for panic.  For 3 months she has struggled and is still not learning this basic concept.  Today we start fresh and will be using simple manipulatives, tossing the worksheets aside, and just working on the "how" and "why". I should say, "working on the 'how' and 'why' again."   I'm hoping and praying this will click and be mastered by October when we need to begin multiplication. I have a timeline for her learning and it is difficult for me to let go and deviate from it.  For now though, I have to scrape myself off the ground each morning and refresh my mind, expelling the negative thoughts about my teaching ability and reminding myself that God called me to homeschool, and therefore God will equip me.  She's simply not ready for the concept yet and needs more time.

That's just one area of "failure" in our homeschool.  It's a big one (to me) but is just one reality of daily issues.  There are, indeed, daily issues. There are days when she won't cooperate.  Days when it takes hours to complete a subject that could have been finished in 30 minutes.  Days when Alyssa is more than willing to learn and work, but cannot focus because her little sister is in the middle of a meltdown and I'm being torn in two different directions trying to balance my time between both children.  Then, of course, the biggest failure of all--realizing my children have been pleading for my attention all day while I'm consumed with distractions.  They don't want my homeschool attention, the want me--plugged in and engaged. Yesterday was one of those days.  I realized after going to bed last night that they had been begging for some quality time with me throughout the day and did not get it.  What they got was a frazzled, stressed out, anxiety fill mom who was overwhelmed by the volume of tasks ahead.  I wasn't living in the present.  I was focusing on future events that haven't even taken place yet.  Epic fail. Today I will need to do something different, and it may require easing off the "traditional" learning and just providing a day of fun interaction.  This goes against every fiber of my being because what I want to do is drill subtraction. What my child, and both children for that matter, need me to do is entirely different though. But then again, that's the joy of homeschooling. Flexibility and starting fresh daily with new lesson plans and new approaches, which brings me to the next reality.

Reality #2:  I lose my temper with my children on a daily, hourly, basis.  I raise my voice when I should be showing grace.  I get frustrated and lose my patience.  I give up too often and throw my hands up in despair. I fail as a mom over, and over, and over again.  There are days when Ellie is screaming in a rage over something trivial, and Alyssa is rebellious and argumentative, and I'm focused on issues with the bills or household chores and planning, and I simply walk out of the room and have a pity party for a few moments. Those are the days when even my own perception of my life does not fit reality.  Reality is that I am blessed.  I am blessed with the opportunity to educate my child. I am blessed to have both of my children at home with me each day. I am blessed to be a stay at home mom.  I forget though--especially on those rough days and lately they seem to be the rule rather than the exception as both girls mature developmentally and test their boundaries of independence.

Reality #3:  My house is anything but "Suzy Homemaker's" house.  It is, in fact, a mess 99% of the time.  The dining room looks as if a curriculum fair threw up in it.  The living room is scattered with land mines toys that never seem to remain in the toy boxes for more than 3 seconds.  My bathroom needs to be scrubbed, the kitchen floors are begging for a good mopping, and let's not even get started on the laundry. ACK!  I've named it "Mt. Ferrell" as it has taken on a life of its own.  When it comes to housekeeping, the only thing I seem to be good at is not getting it done.

So there you have it.  My reality vs perception.  I mess up daily in homeschool, I lose my temper and raise my voice when I should be extending grace, my house is in a continuous state of chaos, and I fail daily.   I. Am. A. Mess.

There is, however, one other reality.  Reality #4:  I start over each day because the Lord has extended me grace.  He whispers to me throughout the day, gently nudging me in the right direction and speaking to my heart about the things I need to change.  My patience with my children can be improved upon, and my reaction to their meltdowns can be better.  My fear of failing homeschool is unfounded.  The Lord called me to homeschool. He would not give me a task and then set me up for failure. We have already succeeded in our homeschool education, we just can't see it yet.  The house, well, it's not that important. The children are in a safe environment. It's clean enough to be safe and perhaps, for now, I need to lower my standards a bit.  As the kiddos get older the mess and chaos will improve and they will be able to help with more of the chores.  For now, it's really not important.  Their safety, well being, and health is all that matters when it comes to the house.

I'm sure I am not the only mom out there who fails each day.  I'm certain we all do to varying degrees!  What's important is starting fresh each morning by praying, getting into God's Word, and setting our hearts and mind on Him.  As long as we continue doing that, we will continue fighting the good fight and will eventually win the race. Persevere mom! Persevere! :)

Galations 6:9

Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up. 

 

Never Alone

I've been debating on what to write over the past couple of days, and praying on it as well.  Yesterday I thought I knew what I wanted to write, but after much prayer, decided to just "be still" and write nothing.  This morning I woke up with a clarity and knew what today's topic should be.  A testimony.  A very personal testimony, and one I've only shared publicly once before.  It's time to share again.

In 1998 I was stationed at 8th Army in Yongsan, Korea.  I had been there for nearly 2 years, and life was not going according to plan.  In fact, my life was in shambles. I am embarrassed to admit this, but even though I had been raised a Christian, my actions were anything but Christ-like.  I had not set foot in a church for many years. I rarely prayed. My days and evenings had been spent partying and God was not even on my radar. It's no wonder then, that I had been suffering from depression for many months, and as the days passed, my depression grew deeper until one evening in late fall I hit rock bottom.  

Our Unit was in the middle of training, and each individual was required to pull guard duty for our "make believe war". Unfortunately for me, I was chosen to do a late night duty.   That evening, I found myself stationed alone at a remote guard post.  It was cold out and the temps were hovering around 45 degrees.  Not a soul was within shouting distance and most of the soldiers on the base were already asleep and in bed.  I sat down on the hard, freezing ground, and reflected on where my life was going.  I stared at an ant as it randomly ran along the ground and thought, "I'm no better than this ant.  I'm just a tiny, insignificant part of life--no better and no more valuable than this worthless ant." The depression became so strong I could barely complete a thought after that.  All I felt capable of doing was breathing in, and breathing out. I was simply existing.  My mind went blank and I stared into the darkness for an unknown amount of time until our SSG came by and told me to go back to the Unit Hall for a short break.  

As I began to walk down the sidewalk toward the Unit Hall, I noticed a bush nearby.  I stopped in amazement when I saw a beautiful, pink rose in full bloom.  I took a moment to examine it.  I noticed the soft, pink petals. The perfect, glorious bloom and reflected in wonder at how this amazing flower could even exist in the cold, out of season weather.  I thought to myself, "I know exactly how this flower feels. It's alone. It is unnoticed. No one cares or even realizes that this flower exists.  Just like me." I continued to the office, grabbed a drink, and placed myself in front of the television---hearing and seeing nothing. I stared into space and again just focused on existing. Breathe in, breathe out.

A few minutes later the door opened, and I was mildly surprised to see Sgt. Christian (or at least I think that was his name, if memory serves me right) walk into the room.  I didn't know him very well---we'd not really spent time together.  I knew that he had spent a year in Korea away from his family, and the Unit had said their goodbyes earlier in the day.  He was leaving on a plane back to the United States in the morning but was spending the night at the luxury Dragon Hotel a few miles down the road where all soldiers stay prior to departure from the country.  It's something each of us looked forward to at the end of our journey in Korea.

Sgt. Christian pulled up a chair, sat down near me, and began to make idle chit-chat.  I'm certain I wasn't very good company. I answered his questions, but made no effort to continue the conversation further. I didn't want to be bothered--especially by someone I didn't know. I didn't have the energy to be polite and carry on a two-way conversation. I just wanted to be left alone in my misery. After a few awkward moments he surprised me by saying, "I'm really not sure why I'm down here.  You see, I was in my bed watching TV, completely comfortable and content when I felt God telling me to come down to the Unit. I'll be honest, I argued with Him for at least 30 minutes. I was comfortable, it's cold outside, and I didn't feel like walking 2 miles in the cold. There aren't even any taxi's running at this time of night!  I explained all of this to God, but He kept repeating to me to get out of bed and walk down here.  So here I am.  I didn't know who I was supposed to see, or what I was supposed to do until I walked in and saw you.  I think the message I am supposed to bring is for you. The message I was sent to share is that 'you are not alone. You are not forgotten. God sees you and He cares about you.' "  

I know we spoke a little more after that, but honestly, I don't remember what else was said.  I just know it was brief, and moments later the SSG returned to send me back to my guard post.  As I walked out of the room I heard the SSG exclaiming to Sgt Christian, "What are YOU doing here?!  Shouldn't you be getting ready to go home in the morning?!"   I left and began my trek back down the street.

As I walked, I reflected on what had been said.  Was it really possible that God noticed me?  Was it really possible that I wasn't insignificant? That I mattered to Him?  I continued walking, but suddenly felt a bit lighter.  A warmth was growing inside of me. It was almost as if a light was growing from the inside out. My shoulders didn't feel as heavy, my steps easier, and my mind was beginning to clear. The fog was lifting. As I walked by the rose bush again I stopped, and my jaw dropped as I gawked in amazement.  Next to the previous rose, was a second, equally beautiful rose in full bloom.  I thought, "How did I miss that?  They are side by side and I stood here looking for several moments and never saw it!  How on earth did I not see the second rose?!"   It was at that moment that the Lord spoke to my heart.  He said, "Just like the rose, you were never alone. I've been here all along, just waiting for you to see me."   The Great God of the Universe had gone out of His way to ensure I got the message, and that night I heard it loud and clear.

I never saw Sgt Christian again, but I have not forgot that night.  It was a turning point in my life and his obedience to God had more of an impact than he'll likely ever know.  I've been through some rough times, and I've been through depression many times since, but never have I felt alone and forgotten. I can always reflect on the memory of Korea and be reassured that I am not alone. I am significant, and I am loved.

As the years have passed, my strength in the Lord has grown.  There's always room for more growth, but I praise Him that by His mercy and grace I am no longer the woman I used to be.

I feel confident there is someone out there reading this blog who needed this reminder of their value and significance.  If that's you, just know that there is a message coming through loud and clear--- You are not alone.  Our Great God, Creator of the Universe, Creator of Life, Abba Father, cares about you.  He notices you. He loves you. You matter.  Even when you are not seeking Him, He is pursuing you.  Talk to Him.

Romans 8:37-39 No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. For I am sure that neither death nor life, nor angels nor rulers, nor things present nor things to come, nor powers, nor height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord.

Choosing an attitude of grace

Today I learned the importance of starting my day off with quiet time and prayer.  When I sat down for my quiet time this morning to read my Bible and devotions, I had no idea just how badly I would need to repeat the scriptures to myself throughout the day!

My day was planned. Every moment, of every hour planned ahead on a schedule, with wiggle room to spare.  Sometimes though, God knows otherwise. *giggle*  What I encountered was a day where nothing went according to plan, and everything was chaos and disorder!  Ever have one of those days, where nothing seems to be going right?

It all began with the morning routine. After my Bible reading I realized I was behind schedule. No problem. I could rearrange the schedule a bit.  Homeschool began on time, but I quickly realized that I'd not allotted enough time to complete all the lessons before leaving for Ellie's morning therapy.  I decided to just "roll with it", do what we could, and take some of it with us for Alyssa to complete while Ellie was busy with her Physical Therapist.  Unfortunately, Alyssa decided to begin her day with a lousy attitude and a rebellious tongue, so lesson plans were temporarily set aside while she did an "extra assignment" of copy work from the board about respecting her mother. :)  Still, the day wasn't going too bad. She began to cooperate after her lengthy writing assignment and we soon made our way through Math, History, Bible, and Language Arts.  I packed up her Science lesson to take with us and we left for Ellie's therapy.

When we arrived at therapy our situation quickly began to go downhill.  The therapist had not arrived yet--our therapy is in a heated pool at a senior center--so I dressed Ellie in her bathing suit and swim diaper, then took her to a set of stairs inside the facility to practice climbing up and down. It's one of her favorite activities and while it raises my blood pressure, it's good for her.  After one trip up and down the steps an employee stepped out and asked us to leave the area. She apologized and stated that the elderly were having Yoga class, and there was a problem with the air conditioning so they could not close the doors to the room just outside the stairs. We were disrupting their class.  If I'm being completely honest, I was highly annoyed at that moment.  I knew Ellie would go into meltdown since she was already tired and needing a nap.  I remembered my quiet time this morning though, and felt the Lord whispering to my heart, "It's not about you. This is not an unreasonable request and this lady was very kind in her request for you to leave the area".  I made the choice to plant a smile on my face, and not let the ensuing tantrum phase me.  Soon after, the therapist arrived and Ellie was taken to the pool area, while Alyssa and I located a quiet place where she could work on her assignment.

The next hour was a scramble to complete the lesson plan in between multiple trips into the pool area to address an obstinate, rebellious, and tired toddler who did not want to follow the rules.  We did manage to complete our lesson though, and even had a little fun in the process!  For those of you who are local, feel free to ask Alyssa about a few characteristics of mammals or reptiles.  

Once pool time was over, we began to run into issues again.  As I took Ellie into the locker room to dry her off and change into her clothes, I was surprised to find a large curtain pulled and sectioning off the locker area.  More specifically, the large, padded area where I lay Ellie down to put on her diaper and clothing was blocked by the curtain. The same lady who had previously asked me to relocate popped her head in the locker room to inform me that there was a gentleman on the other side of the curtain.  We could not use that area of the locker room.  Again I began to get annoyed.  I thought, "a MAN in the locker room?  WHY!  Well that's just great.  How am I going to get her dried off safely and changed?"  This was a problem because the floors are extremely slippery, and Ellie has previously fallen many times in her own pool of dripping water.  Again, I felt God whisper to my heart, "You may not know the reason why there is a man in the room, but you need to calm down and work with the current situation".  I took a deep breath, chose to let go of the annoyance, and laid Ellie tenderly down on a narrow bench while I reassured her that she wouldn't fall.  I managed to get her shorts, diaper, and shoes on but then realized her shirt was missing. It must have fallen out of the bag previously when I changed her into her swimsuit........at the padded area..........behind the curtain.  I sent Alyssa into the hallway to double check that it had not fallen out of the bag while we were doing school and then held Ellie while I tried to figure out a plan. A few moments later a nurse appeared from around the curtain, pushing a very elderly, wheelchair-bound man on his way to the pool for therapy.  I could almost feel the Lord poking me saying, "See?  His nurse couldn't help him dress in the men's dressing room. She needed this room in order to help him, and HE NEEDS this therapy".  We were able to access the other side of the room then and found Ellie's shirt right away.  I finished dressing her, packed the girls up, and loaded them into the car.

By now my mind was racing ahead.  "I need to go to the DMV for Brad's car tags.  I need to go to the grocery store to purchase meat for the next 2 weeks so I can plan out the menu.  We still have one more science assignment to finish. The house needs to be cleaned. It's Wednesday, that means I have the kids at church to watch. Supper needs to be started early so we can leave on time."  Just as I finished ticking off my mental list, both girls announced they were hungry.  LUNCH!  I quickly referenced my Home Management Planner.  Yep, I forgot to schedule in lunch today. *forehead smack*  I took a deep breath and decided it was OKAY to alter the plans. Obviously, the girls needed to eat and I was pretty famished myself.  Grocery shopping on an empty stomach is a bad idea anyways.  We drove home and ran inside to eat a quick lunch.  Thirty minutes later we were back in the car and on our way to the DMV.  Tick tock, tick tock---I could hear the minutes ticking away.  I arrived at the DMV and was discouraged when I took one of the last parking spaces available.  There's going to be a wait. Tick tock, tick tock.  Again I heard God whisper, "Calm down".  I took a deep breath, strapped my protesting, tired toddler into a stroller, and walked inside the DMV to take my place in line.  I was pleasantly surprised to find that the line wasn't as long as I'd feared.  I sensed trouble though.  One employee behind the counter was available, however, as I took my place at the end of the counter (I did not want to presume she was available or ready for me) she began to give me dirty looks. She scowled, looked my way and frowned as she looked back at her printer. She looked at me again and I could almost read her thoughts, "do NOT come over here".  Instead of being sinful, prideful, and selfish I chose to extend grace and compassion.  It's the last day of the month. She's probably had a very busy day with many cranky customers renewing their tags.  Soon after, she shouted, "NEXT!" and I proceeded to her station with both girls in tow.  I handed my envelope with registration information to her and began to dig out my checkbook as I said, "I need to renew our car tags please, and I LOVE your new office! It's so spacious!  I'll bet it's a relief to have more space to work in isn't it?"  The change in her demeanor was instant.  She straightened up in her chair, beamed from ear to ear, and said, "Yes it is! We just love it!  It's so nice to have this extra room in here".  Suddenly, she frowned again and said, "Oh no.  Again?" She shook her head and said, "Computer issues. They've been happening all day".  Oh! So that's the problem! She's been slammed with customers and dealing with a slow computer all day. I could hear God's voice saying, "See? It's not about you".  I smiled and said, "That's okay.  I'll just write the check while we wait on it, I didn't have it ready yet anyways".  I could visibly see the relief as she thanked me and handed me a stamp to address the check.  Moments later the computer corrected and within 5 minutes I was on my way out the door.  I loaded the girls in the car, packed the stroller back in the trunk, and drove to the grocery store in hopes of finding the next 15 day's worth of meat on clearance.

When I arrived at the store I grabbed a shopping cart from the cart corral to make the trip inside easier with the girls. Ellie, still in need of a nap, began to scream and protest being placed in a cart.  And wouldn't you know, I chose a cart with a broken strap. *sigh*  "Perfect", I thought, "I'm going to have to keep a close eye on Ellie so she doesn't try to stand up".  (and yes, I know I could have found another cart but often find this particular store has issues with missing buckles) I chose to keep the cart I was using.  When I got inside the store I heard that whisper again, this time advising me to sanitize the cart.  I stopped in the doorway, grabbed a wipe, and wiped down the handles, sides, and every part of the cart within Ellie's reach.  We worked our way to the back of the store where the meat is located, and I went into "scanning mode", looking for those lovely pink stickers that indicate clearance meat.  Unfortunately, there was little to choose from. *sigh* This will require Plan B, which is to utilize the Pick 5 option at a different store.  I must purchase all the meat today so I can plan out the menu. Tomorrow will involve going to a 3rd grocery store for specific items, and Friday will be the 4th, and final, grocery trip.  If I don't have all the meat purchased today, it will be impossible to know how to plan. Past experience has taught me that we will overspend in the budget if we do not plan immediately.  As all of this ran through my mind, I turned to check on Ellie.  She was chewing on the shopping cart handle. Way to go God, SCORE!  Thanks for the head's up on sanitizing!  Alyssa and I chanted our mantra, "Feel with your hands, not with your mouth" as I loaded up the few meat items I could use and went to the checkout to pay.  I'll spare you the details on the tantrum at the checkout.  Ellie versus the Tummy Yummy.  Enough said. I did, however, choose to remain calm during the tantrum.

We left to go to grocery store #2 and again, I grabbed a cart from the coral to make the entrance into the store easier.  Again, the buckle/strap was missing.  Immediately I began to feel annoyed and thought, "What is it with these stores and their shopping carts?!".  Again, God whispered to me. "Perhaps they are struggling.  Perhaps they cannot afford the expense of new carts. Just get a different cart."  I sighed, walked the girls inside and found another cart--this time with a buckle.  Immediately Ellie began to scream and do "the plank".  Parents, you know what I'm talking about.  I wrestled her feet down into the cart, pinned her into place, and buckled her up despite the protests. I did, however, get quite a few dirty looks from the cashiers. *sigh* I also chose to smile at them and whisper, "sorry about that!"  and then exited to the back of the store as quickly as possible to address the meat purchases.  

As I stood in the meat department mentally ticking off my meal options and meat options, the girls began to fight.  Ellie screamed, Alyssa tattled, both girls were out of patience and ready to go home.  I finished up as fast as I could, raced to the checkout, and chose to smile and apologize to the cashier while Ellie shouted and demanded gummy bears.

We finally arrived home.  Tick tock, tick tock.  There's still one more science lesson to finish.  I still have to plan out 15 days of a menu and search out the lowest prices in a 20 mile radius. I need to clean the house.  God whispered, "Calm down. Do what you can".  I decided to begin the menu planning right away since it was highest priority for the household, and told Alyssa she could play until it was time for science class.  

Over the next hour I scoured prices, planned out the menu while trying to accommodate my husband's preferences of not having the same meat 2 days in a row, not having the same type of meal 2 days in a row (so we cannot have ham and beans one day and Cream of Chicken Gnocchi Soup the next day. That's "soup" 2 days in a row) and tried to figure out the best options for side items.  Don't get me wrong, the husband will gladly eat whatever I serve and generally won't complain.  I know his preferences though, and make a choice daily to do my best to accommodate him.  The payoff is knowing he's enjoying what I fix, and knowing such a simple act of love makes him happy.

Upon completion of our comprehensive menu, I printed 2 copies.  Both pages were barely legible. We ran out of ink.  Not only are we unable to complete our science project, but now an unexpected expense for printer ink has hit the budget. *sigh* I threw my hands in the air and decided that I'd had enough, I was taking the rest of the afternoon off.  It was in this moment that God reminded me of my Monday prayer which was, "God, please remind me that sometimes I just can't do it all, and guide me when I need to stop. Help me learn to relax and not feel the pressure for perfection. Help me to learn to ask for help. Help me to prioritize. Help me to find what is important in life, and what is not. Help me to grow in You." 

So, for now, the house can wait. It's a mess, but I am physically and mentally exhausted. I have no energy to clean right now and want nothing more than a good night's rest, but there's still 4 more hours of responsibilities in the day before rest can come, so I'm spending it at the computer instead.   It's okay. Tomorrow is new day, full of even more opportunities to extend grace and make sound, Godly choices in how I will react to the various challenges and circumstances. Even though many things went "wrong", I feel in reality they went absolutely right.  God knew I needed to be tested, He knew what was in store for my day, and He was right there reminding me over and over to abide in Him. And really, it's all about choices.  We can choose to abide in the Lord, to have an attitude of grace, and compassion, or we can choose to have a poor attitude and live in the sin of pride, because that's really what it all boils down to.  Pride is the absence of grace. As I wrap this lengthy post up, I leave you with this morning's scripture:

"Abide in Me, and I in you. As the branch cannot bear fruit of itself, unless it abides in the vine, neither can you, unless you abide in me"

John 15:4