In 1998 I was stationed at 8th Army in Yongsan, Korea. I had been there for nearly 2 years, and life was not going according to plan. In fact, my life was in shambles. I am embarrassed to admit this, but even though I had been raised a Christian, my actions were anything but Christ-like. I had not set foot in a church for many years. I rarely prayed. My days and evenings had been spent partying and God was not even on my radar. It's no wonder then, that I had been suffering from depression for many months, and as the days passed, my depression grew deeper until one evening in late fall I hit rock bottom.
Our Unit was in the middle of training, and each individual was required to pull guard duty for our "make believe war". Unfortunately for me, I was chosen to do a late night duty. That evening, I found myself stationed alone at a remote guard post. It was cold out and the temps were hovering around 45 degrees. Not a soul was within shouting distance and most of the soldiers on the base were already asleep and in bed. I sat down on the hard, freezing ground, and reflected on where my life was going. I stared at an ant as it randomly ran along the ground and thought, "I'm no better than this ant. I'm just a tiny, insignificant part of life--no better and no more valuable than this worthless ant." The depression became so strong I could barely complete a thought after that. All I felt capable of doing was breathing in, and breathing out. I was simply existing. My mind went blank and I stared into the darkness for an unknown amount of time until our SSG came by and told me to go back to the Unit Hall for a short break.
As I began to walk down the sidewalk toward the Unit Hall, I noticed a bush nearby. I stopped in amazement when I saw a beautiful, pink rose in full bloom. I took a moment to examine it. I noticed the soft, pink petals. The perfect, glorious bloom and reflected in wonder at how this amazing flower could even exist in the cold, out of season weather. I thought to myself, "I know exactly how this flower feels. It's alone. It is unnoticed. No one cares or even realizes that this flower exists. Just like me." I continued to the office, grabbed a drink, and placed myself in front of the television---hearing and seeing nothing. I stared into space and again just focused on existing. Breathe in, breathe out.
A few minutes later the door opened, and I was mildly surprised to see Sgt. Christian (or at least I think that was his name, if memory serves me right) walk into the room. I didn't know him very well---we'd not really spent time together. I knew that he had spent a year in Korea away from his family, and the Unit had said their goodbyes earlier in the day. He was leaving on a plane back to the United States in the morning but was spending the night at the luxury Dragon Hotel a few miles down the road where all soldiers stay prior to departure from the country. It's something each of us looked forward to at the end of our journey in Korea.
Sgt. Christian pulled up a chair, sat down near me, and began to make idle chit-chat. I'm certain I wasn't very good company. I answered his questions, but made no effort to continue the conversation further. I didn't want to be bothered--especially by someone I didn't know. I didn't have the energy to be polite and carry on a two-way conversation. I just wanted to be left alone in my misery. After a few awkward moments he surprised me by saying, "I'm really not sure why I'm down here. You see, I was in my bed watching TV, completely comfortable and content when I felt God telling me to come down to the Unit. I'll be honest, I argued with Him for at least 30 minutes. I was comfortable, it's cold outside, and I didn't feel like walking 2 miles in the cold. There aren't even any taxi's running at this time of night! I explained all of this to God, but He kept repeating to me to get out of bed and walk down here. So here I am. I didn't know who I was supposed to see, or what I was supposed to do until I walked in and saw you. I think the message I am supposed to bring is for you. The message I was sent to share is that 'you are not alone. You are not forgotten. God sees you and He cares about you.' "
I know we spoke a little more after that, but honestly, I don't remember what else was said. I just know it was brief, and moments later the SSG returned to send me back to my guard post. As I walked out of the room I heard the SSG exclaiming to Sgt Christian, "What are YOU doing here?! Shouldn't you be getting ready to go home in the morning?!" I left and began my trek back down the street.
As I walked, I reflected on what had been said. Was it really possible that God noticed me? Was it really possible that I wasn't insignificant? That I mattered to Him? I continued walking, but suddenly felt a bit lighter. A warmth was growing inside of me. It was almost as if a light was growing from the inside out. My shoulders didn't feel as heavy, my steps easier, and my mind was beginning to clear. The fog was lifting. As I walked by the rose bush again I stopped, and my jaw dropped as I gawked in amazement. Next to the previous rose, was a second, equally beautiful rose in full bloom. I thought, "How did I miss that? They are side by side and I stood here looking for several moments and never saw it! How on earth did I not see the second rose?!" It was at that moment that the Lord spoke to my heart. He said, "Just like the rose, you were never alone. I've been here all along, just waiting for you to see me." The Great God of the Universe had gone out of His way to ensure I got the message, and that night I heard it loud and clear.
I never saw Sgt Christian again, but I have not forgot that night. It was a turning point in my life and his obedience to God had more of an impact than he'll likely ever know. I've been through some rough times, and I've been through depression many times since, but never have I felt alone and forgotten. I can always reflect on the memory of Korea and be reassured that I am not alone. I am significant, and I am loved.
As the years have passed, my strength in the Lord has grown. There's always room for more growth, but I praise Him that by His mercy and grace I am no longer the woman I used to be.
I feel confident there is someone out there reading this blog who needed this reminder of their value and significance. If that's you, just know that there is a message coming through loud and clear--- You are not alone. Our Great God, Creator of the Universe, Creator of Life, Abba Father, cares about you. He notices you. He loves you. You matter. Even when you are not seeking Him, He is pursuing you. Talk to Him.
Romans 8:37-39 No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. For I am sure that neither death nor life, nor angels nor rulers, nor things present nor things to come, nor powers, nor height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord.
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