The Desire of My Heart: Another Answered Prayer

This morning I sat down and wrote a lengthy blog. I spoke all about my journey toward fitness, where I am at, and how I achieved a victory today.  And then I decided to start all over.  Something about it just didn't feel right.  I saved it and perhaps I will share another day, but for now, I am going to write in the direction I feel the Lord is leading me.

This morning I awoke refreshed and alert.  I am not exaggerating when I tell you that I feel fabulous.  I feel great physically and emotionally.  This is a huge blessing, and definitely an answer to prayer.  You see, I keep a prayer journal so it is very easy to not only find that I have requested prayer in a certain area, but to also see just how long and fervently I prayed that request.  The prayer for help to "get healthy" has been a long one.  As I looked back through my current journal I found it there in every entry.  I grabbed my previous journal, now filled, and again found the same prayer for many months. "Please help me to get healthy".   I cannot say that I've ever felt alone in my journey, but I can say I have felt a bit lost and without direction. Looking back now though, I see the Lord's hand guiding me through every step of the process.  In February 2014 He helped me to find the strength and courage to quit smoking.  By April I had succeeded.  I steadily gained weight and began pleading for His help to lose weight and get fit and healthy, while working to set my heart and mind on getting fit and healthy for my family and for the Lord so that I might be used for His kingdom.  In August I began exercising and lowering my caloric intake. I found my stamina building for cardiovascular exercise, but no weight loss. In frustration I pleaded with Him again to please help me.  I had become tired, and fatigued, and horribly cranky. It was affecting all aspects of my life and having a grossly negative impact.  I was at a loss and didn't know what to do.  The Lord answered my prayer and this morning I woke up feeling amazing for the first time in as long as I can remember. I am full of energy. My mind is clear. I am not cranky. I feel fantastic!  Right now it is not important what changed in my life to get me to this place.  If you would like to know please post a comment below, or join my Facebook page "Getting Fit With Monica".  For now though, it is not important. The details don't matter. What matters is that God knew this was my answer for my journey and today I am filled with hope and joy. In other words, I cannot know if this the same answer for you. Only the Lord knows.

I can finally see the light at the end of the tunnel and I know the Lord is with me, helping me in this journey.  Even better, even greater, even more important is that I am confident He will use me for His Kingdom purposes!  If you have a relationship with God, you can understand just how exciting that is.  To know the Lord is going to use you in a powerful way.  It might only be for one person.  That doesn't matter because it's for God so that one person is as important as a million people! Or, it might be for a million people. Who knows?  Either way, it's a great thing.  It's a wonderful thing.  I want to shout to the rooftops "THE LORD HAS ANSWERED MY PRAYER!"  If you do not have a relationship with Christ then you likely think I am completely batty. HAHA!  Trust me though, when you know God, when you really know Him, He becomes your best friend. He becomes your father in every sense of the word. He becomes your confidant. He becomes your guide. He becomes the light of your world, the only One you want to please, the center of your universe.  And when you feel His love, and He answers your prayers so simply and completely you have joy unspeakable.  Unspeakable is true too. I cannot find the words to truly describe what I am feeling.  I could go on and on.  May the Lord bless you, and keep you, and love you, and guide you today.  Focus your heart and mind and soul on Him. Allow Him to direct your every step today.  Thank Him.  God bless.

 Romans 15:13 May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing, so that by the power of the Holy Spirit you may abound in hope.

1 Peter 1:8  Whom having not seen, ye love; in whom, though now ye see him not, yet believing, ye rejoice with joy unspeakable and full of glory:

Psalms 28:7  The LORD is my strength and my shield; my heart trusted in him, and I am helped: therefore my heart greatly rejoiceth; and with my song will I praise him.

Lessons From God: He Cares About the Little Things

Yesterday I was absolutely pumped and excited. It was my rest day with my workout but Monday morning it would be GAME ON! I was ready to try the "Sweat" routine.  I knew it was going to be 36 minutes long instead of my usual 20 minute workout, and much more intense.  FINALLY, I was going to step my exercise up a level and get serious!  And then bedtime came, and everything was a mess.  The girls didn't want to go to sleep. Ellie had a tantrum. Alyssa kept getting out of the bed. Brad began to cough.  You know how it is momma's.  I went to sleep much too late and woke multiple times throughout the night for various reasons. When my alarm went off at 6:55 to get up and work out I was less than excited. I hit snooze a couple of times, and then finally opened my eyes and began to pray.  And wouldn't you know, the Lord answered my prayer.  He whispered, "Wake up, go exercise.  You CAN do this."   

I got dressed, grabbed a glass of water, and turned on the PS3 to play my DVD.  I guess this would be a good time to confess that we've owned this PS3 for 4 years, but I only learned how to navigate it last week when Alyssa showed me how to use it.  Unfortunately this morning, I could not figure out how to get to the menu and the DVD kept playing the wrong workout. Alyssa was sound asleep and I would feel like the worst mom in the world to wake her 2 hours early just to help me with the remote.  In frustration I said, "God! I need help finding the menu!" and before I even finished the menu popped up and I was able to choose the correct workout.  I still have no idea which option controls the menu so I'll have to ask Alyssa, but I did make sure to thank God for answering even the simplest "Help me with the PS3 remote" prayer.  Isn't God great?  Even the little things matter to Him.

Let's rest on that thought for a moment. Even the little things matter.  I have heard from friends time and time again that they do not go to the Lord with the little things. They don't ask for the Lord's help or divine intervention unless it's for something big.  Why?  The Bible tells us to talk to Him; to ask for His help. 

1 Peter 5:7 "casting all our anxiety on Him, because He cares for you."

This does not say "casting your serious fears" or "casting only that which might cause catastrophe".  No. It says casting ALL our anxiety on Him.  Why? Because He cares for you.  

My Bible commentary says this, "This verse partly quotes and partly interprets Psalm 55:22. "Casting" means "to throw something on something" as to throw a blanket on a donkey (Luke 19:35). Christians are to cast all of their discontent, discouragement, despair, and suffering on the Lord, and trust Him for knowing what He's doing with their lives (1 Samuel 1:10-18). Along with submission (verse 5) and humility (verses 5, 6), trust in God is the third attitude necessary for victorious Christian living."

I took a moment to look up Psalm 55:22 which reads, "Cast your burden upon the Lord and He will sustain you; He will never allow the righteous to be shaken."

That is what we should do. Cast ALL our anxiety on Him.  Even if it's just a frustration with the long line at the grocery store.  Even if you're having a bad hair day. Even if it's the silly PS3 remote.  Do you think the Lord was angry with me for that? Do you think He huffed and said, "Monica! I am very busy and these trivial things do not require my time"?  No, of course not! He's the Great God of the Universe!  He created everything we see, feel, and hear out of nothing but His spoken Word.  I think it is well established that He is not incapable of multitasking. He is everywhere at once.  He can handle all requests. No, He did not huff at me. Quite the contrary!  He used this as a lesson to trust in Him.  He used it to lead me to open up my Bible and research the scriptures and what the Word says about trusting in God. He used it to show me how quickly He can, and will, often answer prayer.  He used it as a tool to teach me not to sweat the little things, and not to get worked up over something so trivial. In fact, He responded BEFORE I could get worked up and provided yet another lesson in not sweating the small stuff.  It is not at all ironic that I have been praying for help with my self control, or lack thereof.  This was a small lesson in self control--I did not lose my temper. I did not lose control of my tongue. I did not get angry and walk away.  The Lord answered my prayer, and then used it to teach me.  More than likely, if this happens again with the remote I won't feel so frustrated and will calmly work my way through the issue.  How much you wanna bet that spills over into another area of my life as well?  More than likely it will. That's just the way God works! He is infinitely creative. He cares about your problems--big and small.  He will use anything, and everything, as a lesson but you need to go to Him and ask Him for His help and guidance.

Coincidentally, my body is screaming at me from the awesome and amazing workout. I am so glad the Lord gave me the courage, and strength, self control, and perseverance to get up! I pray the Lord continue helping me with my self control so that I might produce good fruit.  I have asked for help to get healthy, but to remain humble. I have asked that He give me Kingdom Eyes--always looking up toward Him as He guides my every step. I am not afraid to ask and to petition the Lord but always with His will in mind.  I do trust that if I am desiring something that is not within His will, He will gently redirect my heart.  You do the same.  If you haven't spoke to the Lord this morning stop what you're doing right now and talk to Him.  Tell Him your heart's desire and don't be afraid. He already knows your secret thoughts. He knows your heart better than you do!  If you ask Him, He will help you.  Just say "Help me Jesus".  I promise, He is there and listening.

Have a wonderful, blessed day and may the Lord guide and direct your every step. Feel free to post prayer requests or comments. Keep your dialog open with the Lord and enjoy your day.  Persevere my friend!

DAY 2

So far so good!  I completed Day 2 of my PiYo workout which involved upper body strength. It was short and sweet and when it was complete I thought, "Is that it? Did I not work hard enough?"   And then I stood up off the floor. OHHHH MY!  My muscles are screaming "WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO US?!"  Love it!  I had no idea that my legs were that strong, or that my core was THAT weak. Wow.  I drank my second serving of Chocolate Shakeology as well.  It's not the yummiest thing on the face of the planet, but at the same time, it's not a fight to get it down either.  Today I tried it with frozen, organic strawberries and ice to make a thick shake but I think I overdid it with the additional water. I was afraid it would be too thick so I added 3/4 cup of water to the mix.  I wound up with a ridiculously huge serving as a result and it took nearly 30 minutes to drink it all. Guess I'm good until suppertime now. HA HA!

I'm getting very excited about this journey, and I'm setting myself up for success!  I've been following Coach Tulin on Facebook and YouTube. She's an absolute inspiration and my goodness, if she can do it I can do it too!  She had to work so hard to get to where she is now, and I still have a shorter distance to go than her yet she's not discouraged.  I have her "5 Tips on starting a workout program as a plus size woman" posted on my wall for encouragement and as a reminder on the rough days that I know are coming. My PiYo workout schedule is posted on the wall.  My recommended PiYo eating plan is posted on the wall as well with reminders of serving sizes for each food group.  I took it a step further and made myself a printable document with headers for the various food groups so I can simply place a tick mark in each column as I consume a serving. Keeping this on the fridge will be helpful and will be a fantastic visual aid to help me keep track of my eating throughout the day.  I am setting myself up for success.  I need to do this. I have to do this. My body simply cannot take any more abuse. It cannot afford to gain even 5 more lbs.  And when I lie to myself and say, "Oh, you don't look that bad" or "a few more pounds won't matter that much" these visual aids will remind me that yes, I DO look that bad and yes, a few more pounds WILL matter.

Tomorrow is Sunday and will be my day of rest.  I might repeat one of the strength videos if I am feeling up to it, but I am saving "Sweat" until Monday.  I hear it is pretty hard-core and a strenuous and long workout.  Monday.  That's a challenge all in its own.  I will need to wake up early and exercise before the girls get up for school.  They generally sleep until about 8:30 so if I'm up by 7:00'ish I will have plenty of time to workout, read my Bible, drink some coffee, and get my day started.  Traditionally that has been a disaster. I don't sleep well at night. My hips throb, my feet wake me with charlie horses, my back aches, and I toss and turn all night.  I am hoping that this program will address the sleep issues as well so I can be rested enough to get up and function throughout the day instead of being a tired, cranky, less-than-stellar mother and wife.

Be on the lookout for a post Monday and for Day 3 details! It's about to get real up in the Ferrell household!

A New Journey!

Wow, it has been so long since I last posted that I'm ashamed of myself. I began blogging with the best of intentions, however, quickly realized it was pulling too much time away from my family and dominating my life.  I needed to regather, come up with a better action plan, and focus my energy appropriately.  With that being said, I've also missed the creative outlet that blogging provided.  I'm going to try it again, only on a smaller scale. If people read what I post, that's great. If they don't, that's okay too.  This is as much for myself as it is for others, although I certainly hope to inspire others as well.

I am beginning a new journey!  This is probably the scariest thing I've ever done.  I'm embarking on a journey to get healthy.  I don't mean thin.  I don't mean a size 6.  I mean healthy in every aspect of the word. I want my body to function at max capacity.  I want my temple to be in good shape.  If I look better that's a bonus.  I KNOW I will feel better and I know the Lord will be pleased as long as I remain humble in my endeavors.  Here's the reality.  The reality is I am 41 years old, 45 lbs overweight, and I suffer from PCOS, hypoglycemia, and am trending towards and frequently tested for hypothyroid and diabetes.  I also have all the signs and symptoms of peri-menopause.   So I decided 8 months ago to take the steps necessary to begin changing my life.  My first step was to quit smoking--and I did.  I have been nicotine free for 6 months now and will never, ever, EVER pick up another cigarette for the rest of my life.  While that is fantastic, the downside is I gained 20 lbs (that I'd just lost I might add) quite rapidly.  About a month ago I decided to go back to my healthy way of eating, which is how I lost 20 lbs before.  I began tracking my calories, carbs, and fat grams on myfitnesspal.com and waited in eager anticipation for the weight to fly off, just as it always has.  The scales didn't move.  I added in intense cardio exercise 4-5 days a week doing step aerobics and various Denise Austin workouts. The scales didn't move.  I felt defeated, frustrated, and very angry.

After speaking with my best friend, I decided to try Do Terra's Slim and Sassy along with their Women's Phytoestrogen Complex, designed for women in perimenopause and menopause along with treating symptoms of PMS.  Finally, the scales did begin to move, but at a slower-than-normal pace.  But hey, at least there was movement right?  I also noticed my mood swings decreasing so that was a great blessing as well.  Unfortunately though, I still felt tired and sluggish most of the time.  And the scales still were slow to move.  I decided to add in another step to my journey--I purchased the Beachbody PiYo program to help with my severely jacked-up hips and knees, and to help burn fat and tone muscle. I also purchased a bag of Shakeology to see if it helps my energy levels at all.  I cannot spend the rest of my days feeling cranky and slugglish. Perhaps some added, balanced nutrition will help.  I normally don't buy into the idea of meal replacements, however, when I found that Shakeology is GMO free and very organic I changed my mind and decided to give it a try.

So that's where I am at today.  I am drinking my first cup of Shakeology right now as we speak.  I've done one workout with PiYo and LOVED it.  If nothing else, my tight hips and legs will thank me and so will my massage therapist and chiropractor. HAHA!  My intent is to journal on a regular basis and to share my journey.  I like the idea of accountability through my blog.  I want my energy back. I want to feel good again.  I no longer want to be that lazy, cranky mother and wife I've become.  I know with the Lord's help, I can do this and I may have to just be okay with very slow weightloss.  This is not going to be an easy journey, but I will persevere!

Here is the photo that has inspired me to make a change. Taken a month ago.

It's time for a change.  Bye bye old body, hello healthy new me!

 

How God Provided

This morning as I scrolled through Facebook I enjoyed looking at all the happy photos of children returning back to school.  The proud parents, the happy kids; all excited to be returning and seeing their friends while meeting their new teachers.  This naturally led me to reflect on our homeschool, and the ways in which the Lord has provided over and over again in the last year.

Many people know we homeschool, however, I am still frequently asked why. It's a natural question, and not one that I take offense to--even when they are opposed to the idea.  Our reasons are numerous:  We felt Alyssa needed one-on-one attention. There were issues with her ability to focus that I understood all too well and wanted to help her with.  She was being bullied.  It was mild and nothing horrific or over the top, but she would not stand up for herself. She was being exposed to worldly ideas and mannerisms that we did not approve of and we wanted exclusive time with her to teach her the ways of God and discretion. But none of our reasons mattered, because ultimately this was God's decision. Not ours. God led us to homeschool.  This was His idea and to be honest, prior to the Lord placing it upon my heart to homeschool, I was far too selfish and lazy to consider such a thing.  But He did, and Brad and I made the decision to walk in obedience and to trust God's plan for our family.

With that said, looking back over the last year I can clearly see God's hand in all that we have done.  Once we made the decision to homeschool, there was little time left to research and prepare before the public school system started their new year. There was much to do and little time to do it in! I was scared to death. I have a college degree, and I have experience teaching elementary children on a small scale, yet I had no clue how to actually teach my child all that she would need to learn.  The idea was horrifying and scary but God whispered to my heart, "I've got this. Stop worrying."  I chose to dive in head first in my researching, gathering up every book I could get my hands on that encouraged and instructed the homeschooling mother.  I spent hours pouring over the books, comparing curriculum, and deciding what would be the best fit for our situation. Within weeks there was a solid plan in place. Curriculum was purchased, guidance had been provided by a homeschool academy, and friends were coming out of the woodwork who were homeschool parents. I had no idea I knew so many homeschoolers!

The year began well and we fell into a routine, however, by mid January we began to hit some bumps in the road. Our curriculum wasn't working well. Alyssa wasn't retaining information the way I had hoped, and she hated the books we were using. Daily battles ensued. That's a scary thing to a homeschool parent who is trying to instill a love of learning in their child.  I didn't know what to do. God said, "I've got this. Stop worrying".  I calmed myself, and then reached out to those with homeschooling expertise.  Immediately someone suggested an online homeschooling program that had all 180 days planned out.  A comprehensive, free program that included spelling, grammar, math, logic, science, history, Bible, PE, music, and art.  I immediately tossed the books aside and plopped my child in front of the computer.  The result was nothing short of astonishing. I watched her go from hating homeschool lessons, to begging for more.  We discovered that she had an unknown passion for ancient history, and her love of science grew daily.  Grammar and spelling practice was no longer a battle.  The Lord had answered by showing us exactly the resource we needed!  I was so relieved.

In March we were still chugging along with our online schooling. All was going well, however, I still wanted to purchase some physical curriculum for the upcoming year.  The plan was to set back some money from our tax return for the purchase of those items, however, it did not work out that way.  Ellie had a second procedure on her foot, and as the medical bills came pouring in from the first and subsequent surgery, the tax return dwindled to nothing.  We had a $0 budget for the upcoming year.

The easy answer would have been to simply remain exclusive with our free, online program.  I felt that more was needed though.  Alyssa needed additional math practice for reinforcement, and additional grammar practice simply because I felt she had the potential to go farther. Additionally, there will be those days of unexpected internet problems and/or power outages. Having a few physical books on hand would ensure we could do school for the day.  She clearly needed some physical books, and I couldn't even figure out how to pay the medical bills much less find money for extra books.

Quickly, the Lord began to respond to my concerns and said, "I've got this. Stop worrying."  First He provided the desired math set, the one I just knew would be the ultimate fit for her learning style. Normally the books cost $18 each, and we needed at least the first 7 in the series to get our year going.  Even looking online for used prices I could not find them for less than $13 a book. This was too far outside of our financial ability.  Then one day, a local woman offered to sell me her 7 book set for $5 a piece.  I jumped at the opportunity and quickly raced to meet her.  We dove into the first book that evening and Alyssa began to grow in her comprehension by leaps and bounds.  Math terms we had already discussed with our previous curriculum that had been long-since forgotten were suddenly being used in her everyday vocabulary.

Our next issue involved grammar.  I really felt convicted on the fact that she needed more than she was receiving. There was untapped potential in her, just waiting to be exposed, but it was going to take a very unique approach to learning.  I began to research and found an absolute perfect match for her learning style, but again, even the used prices were far outside of my financial ability.  Again, the Lord responded, "I've got this. Stop worrying".  Once again I put my feelers out to a homeschool support group and someone suggested I contact The Book Samaritan.  The Book Samaritan is a church in Oklahoma that provides free curriculum based on what has been donated and is physically available in their stock. I quickly mailed them a letter asking for a specific book from our curriculum of choice, but also asked that they pray on it and let the Lord guide them in what He felt would be the best grammar curriculum for my child.  I prayed for God's guidance in their choice as we patiently waited 6 weeks for a response. Finally, in late June, a package arrived from The Book Samaritan. Alyssa and I were both so nervous and excited we were shaking.  I opened the box and immediately saw the very book I had requested, along with several children's books for Alyssa to enjoy. We both screamed in delight.  Once again, the Lord provided not only what we needed, but what our heart's desired. We began reading our new grammar book immediately and I delighted in Alyssa's growth. She began absorbing grammar like a sponge, and is now well above a 3rd grade level in her comprehension of grammar rules.

As we have progressed into our year we have hit more road bumps, but each time the Lord has provided--gently reaching His hand down and placing just the right people in our path to help. We've received assistance in new teaching approaches when hitting a road block in a new concept, we've received additional resources, made new friends to help in our journey, and Brad even received a bonus just in time for Alyssa's birthday to help put a dent in the medical bills and pay for a nice birthday gift.

I still do not know exactly what the future holds. I have no idea how long the Lord intends for me to homeschool, but I will be ready and willing no matter what His plan is.  I'm learning to stop fretting over the remaining medical bills and to just trust that God will provide in whatever way He sees fit.  I've learned to be happy with what we have, and to recognize the daily blessings.  God is all around us. He is continually helping, guiding, directing, and loving us.  Sometimes it's harder to see this in the little things, but if we keep our eyes and hearts open, we'll clearly see His hand in all we do.

If you feel the Lord calling you to homeschool, feel free to reach out to me.  I'll help in any way I can.  Homeschool is not a good fit for everyone, just as public school is not a good fit for everyone. There is no right or wrong answer--God is the only one who knows which option is best for your family.   If you're interested in the free, online curriculum we are using (which is also great for augmenting at home if you have a child in public school) the web address is Easy Peasy All In One Homeschool

 By the way, here's our back-to-school photo. :)  Thank you for reading my blog, and have a blessed day! 

 

Perception vs Reality

Recently I set up a date with a girlfriend to discuss homeschool. She needed some help and advice and wanted to pick my brain.  I'm always open to sharing what I know; even if it's very little. (HAHA!)  I settled myself into a booth at the restaurant and basked in the quiet moments of being out and about without the kiddos.  Once she arrived, we enjoyed a few moments of chit-chat before diving into the topics of discussion.  What she said next caused me to pause and reflect a moment. In a nutshell, she stated that she would like to be able to manage the household and homeschooling the way I do.  My initial thought was "I don't manage well at all" and the first words out of my mouth were "my house is a wreck, all the time!"  

This conversation has caused me to stop and consider her words many times over the past few days.  Not too long ago I read an article from a homeschool mom about the importance of keeping it real, and not sharing only the good stuff because it gives the new homeschool moms, and other moms in general, the idea that you are doing everything well. It sets them up to believe they are failures in their own quest to homeschool because the perception is not their reality.  I realized that through my Facebook posts and blog, I might be giving the perception that I have it all together, when in fact, I don't.  This, of course, is not intentional.  I believe that what I say, and what I post, should be positive and edifying--if it is not then I shouldn't say anything at all.  

Ephesians 4:29

 Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen.

 

I try to stick to that. I do fail at times and I believe the world gets a glimpse of my reality, but on average, I try to remain positive at all times and make an effort to control my tongue in my daily life.  Today, however, I choose to share the negative realities in the hopes that it might actually edify someone else. My many daily failures, my fears, and my anxieties are yours to view.

I guess the best place to begin is homeschool.  Oh my, this is a scary topic for me! I don't want people to know where I struggle but if I'm being honest, that's due to my own pride.  So here we go..... Reality #1:  I do not always succeed in my homeschool.  I do, in fact, fail over and over again.  Whew! There, I said it.  I fail.  That's a terrifying concept to all homeschool parents and it's what we fear most.  When we fail, our child's education suffers, even if it's just for a brief moment in time as we scrape ourselves off the floor determined to find a solution to the struggle.  Our current struggle is in math. Alyssa can do addition like nobody's business, and can do simple subtraction as well.  Subtraction with regrouping, however, is a whole other story.  We've been working on it since May. I have taught her from our Saxon curriculum where the book tells you "say this, do this, write this" word for word to assist in the teaching process.  She didn't understand.  I've found online games reinforcing the concept, taught her from the board, drew pictures, and sang songs.  She still didn't understand.  We've watched videos and tutorials online of other teachers presenting the concept along with cartoon videos explaining the "how" and "why" of regrouping. She still didn't understand.  Her father has done board work with her, explained it to her, coached her through it and spent time working with her and she still doesn't understand.  In a homeschool parent this is cause for panic.  For 3 months she has struggled and is still not learning this basic concept.  Today we start fresh and will be using simple manipulatives, tossing the worksheets aside, and just working on the "how" and "why". I should say, "working on the 'how' and 'why' again."   I'm hoping and praying this will click and be mastered by October when we need to begin multiplication. I have a timeline for her learning and it is difficult for me to let go and deviate from it.  For now though, I have to scrape myself off the ground each morning and refresh my mind, expelling the negative thoughts about my teaching ability and reminding myself that God called me to homeschool, and therefore God will equip me.  She's simply not ready for the concept yet and needs more time.

That's just one area of "failure" in our homeschool.  It's a big one (to me) but is just one reality of daily issues.  There are, indeed, daily issues. There are days when she won't cooperate.  Days when it takes hours to complete a subject that could have been finished in 30 minutes.  Days when Alyssa is more than willing to learn and work, but cannot focus because her little sister is in the middle of a meltdown and I'm being torn in two different directions trying to balance my time between both children.  Then, of course, the biggest failure of all--realizing my children have been pleading for my attention all day while I'm consumed with distractions.  They don't want my homeschool attention, the want me--plugged in and engaged. Yesterday was one of those days.  I realized after going to bed last night that they had been begging for some quality time with me throughout the day and did not get it.  What they got was a frazzled, stressed out, anxiety fill mom who was overwhelmed by the volume of tasks ahead.  I wasn't living in the present.  I was focusing on future events that haven't even taken place yet.  Epic fail. Today I will need to do something different, and it may require easing off the "traditional" learning and just providing a day of fun interaction.  This goes against every fiber of my being because what I want to do is drill subtraction. What my child, and both children for that matter, need me to do is entirely different though. But then again, that's the joy of homeschooling. Flexibility and starting fresh daily with new lesson plans and new approaches, which brings me to the next reality.

Reality #2:  I lose my temper with my children on a daily, hourly, basis.  I raise my voice when I should be showing grace.  I get frustrated and lose my patience.  I give up too often and throw my hands up in despair. I fail as a mom over, and over, and over again.  There are days when Ellie is screaming in a rage over something trivial, and Alyssa is rebellious and argumentative, and I'm focused on issues with the bills or household chores and planning, and I simply walk out of the room and have a pity party for a few moments. Those are the days when even my own perception of my life does not fit reality.  Reality is that I am blessed.  I am blessed with the opportunity to educate my child. I am blessed to have both of my children at home with me each day. I am blessed to be a stay at home mom.  I forget though--especially on those rough days and lately they seem to be the rule rather than the exception as both girls mature developmentally and test their boundaries of independence.

Reality #3:  My house is anything but "Suzy Homemaker's" house.  It is, in fact, a mess 99% of the time.  The dining room looks as if a curriculum fair threw up in it.  The living room is scattered with land mines toys that never seem to remain in the toy boxes for more than 3 seconds.  My bathroom needs to be scrubbed, the kitchen floors are begging for a good mopping, and let's not even get started on the laundry. ACK!  I've named it "Mt. Ferrell" as it has taken on a life of its own.  When it comes to housekeeping, the only thing I seem to be good at is not getting it done.

So there you have it.  My reality vs perception.  I mess up daily in homeschool, I lose my temper and raise my voice when I should be extending grace, my house is in a continuous state of chaos, and I fail daily.   I. Am. A. Mess.

There is, however, one other reality.  Reality #4:  I start over each day because the Lord has extended me grace.  He whispers to me throughout the day, gently nudging me in the right direction and speaking to my heart about the things I need to change.  My patience with my children can be improved upon, and my reaction to their meltdowns can be better.  My fear of failing homeschool is unfounded.  The Lord called me to homeschool. He would not give me a task and then set me up for failure. We have already succeeded in our homeschool education, we just can't see it yet.  The house, well, it's not that important. The children are in a safe environment. It's clean enough to be safe and perhaps, for now, I need to lower my standards a bit.  As the kiddos get older the mess and chaos will improve and they will be able to help with more of the chores.  For now, it's really not important.  Their safety, well being, and health is all that matters when it comes to the house.

I'm sure I am not the only mom out there who fails each day.  I'm certain we all do to varying degrees!  What's important is starting fresh each morning by praying, getting into God's Word, and setting our hearts and mind on Him.  As long as we continue doing that, we will continue fighting the good fight and will eventually win the race. Persevere mom! Persevere! :)

Galations 6:9

Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up. 

 

Never Alone

I've been debating on what to write over the past couple of days, and praying on it as well.  Yesterday I thought I knew what I wanted to write, but after much prayer, decided to just "be still" and write nothing.  This morning I woke up with a clarity and knew what today's topic should be.  A testimony.  A very personal testimony, and one I've only shared publicly once before.  It's time to share again.

In 1998 I was stationed at 8th Army in Yongsan, Korea.  I had been there for nearly 2 years, and life was not going according to plan.  In fact, my life was in shambles. I am embarrassed to admit this, but even though I had been raised a Christian, my actions were anything but Christ-like.  I had not set foot in a church for many years. I rarely prayed. My days and evenings had been spent partying and God was not even on my radar. It's no wonder then, that I had been suffering from depression for many months, and as the days passed, my depression grew deeper until one evening in late fall I hit rock bottom.  

Our Unit was in the middle of training, and each individual was required to pull guard duty for our "make believe war". Unfortunately for me, I was chosen to do a late night duty.   That evening, I found myself stationed alone at a remote guard post.  It was cold out and the temps were hovering around 45 degrees.  Not a soul was within shouting distance and most of the soldiers on the base were already asleep and in bed.  I sat down on the hard, freezing ground, and reflected on where my life was going.  I stared at an ant as it randomly ran along the ground and thought, "I'm no better than this ant.  I'm just a tiny, insignificant part of life--no better and no more valuable than this worthless ant." The depression became so strong I could barely complete a thought after that.  All I felt capable of doing was breathing in, and breathing out. I was simply existing.  My mind went blank and I stared into the darkness for an unknown amount of time until our SSG came by and told me to go back to the Unit Hall for a short break.  

As I began to walk down the sidewalk toward the Unit Hall, I noticed a bush nearby.  I stopped in amazement when I saw a beautiful, pink rose in full bloom.  I took a moment to examine it.  I noticed the soft, pink petals. The perfect, glorious bloom and reflected in wonder at how this amazing flower could even exist in the cold, out of season weather.  I thought to myself, "I know exactly how this flower feels. It's alone. It is unnoticed. No one cares or even realizes that this flower exists.  Just like me." I continued to the office, grabbed a drink, and placed myself in front of the television---hearing and seeing nothing. I stared into space and again just focused on existing. Breathe in, breathe out.

A few minutes later the door opened, and I was mildly surprised to see Sgt. Christian (or at least I think that was his name, if memory serves me right) walk into the room.  I didn't know him very well---we'd not really spent time together.  I knew that he had spent a year in Korea away from his family, and the Unit had said their goodbyes earlier in the day.  He was leaving on a plane back to the United States in the morning but was spending the night at the luxury Dragon Hotel a few miles down the road where all soldiers stay prior to departure from the country.  It's something each of us looked forward to at the end of our journey in Korea.

Sgt. Christian pulled up a chair, sat down near me, and began to make idle chit-chat.  I'm certain I wasn't very good company. I answered his questions, but made no effort to continue the conversation further. I didn't want to be bothered--especially by someone I didn't know. I didn't have the energy to be polite and carry on a two-way conversation. I just wanted to be left alone in my misery. After a few awkward moments he surprised me by saying, "I'm really not sure why I'm down here.  You see, I was in my bed watching TV, completely comfortable and content when I felt God telling me to come down to the Unit. I'll be honest, I argued with Him for at least 30 minutes. I was comfortable, it's cold outside, and I didn't feel like walking 2 miles in the cold. There aren't even any taxi's running at this time of night!  I explained all of this to God, but He kept repeating to me to get out of bed and walk down here.  So here I am.  I didn't know who I was supposed to see, or what I was supposed to do until I walked in and saw you.  I think the message I am supposed to bring is for you. The message I was sent to share is that 'you are not alone. You are not forgotten. God sees you and He cares about you.' "  

I know we spoke a little more after that, but honestly, I don't remember what else was said.  I just know it was brief, and moments later the SSG returned to send me back to my guard post.  As I walked out of the room I heard the SSG exclaiming to Sgt Christian, "What are YOU doing here?!  Shouldn't you be getting ready to go home in the morning?!"   I left and began my trek back down the street.

As I walked, I reflected on what had been said.  Was it really possible that God noticed me?  Was it really possible that I wasn't insignificant? That I mattered to Him?  I continued walking, but suddenly felt a bit lighter.  A warmth was growing inside of me. It was almost as if a light was growing from the inside out. My shoulders didn't feel as heavy, my steps easier, and my mind was beginning to clear. The fog was lifting. As I walked by the rose bush again I stopped, and my jaw dropped as I gawked in amazement.  Next to the previous rose, was a second, equally beautiful rose in full bloom.  I thought, "How did I miss that?  They are side by side and I stood here looking for several moments and never saw it!  How on earth did I not see the second rose?!"   It was at that moment that the Lord spoke to my heart.  He said, "Just like the rose, you were never alone. I've been here all along, just waiting for you to see me."   The Great God of the Universe had gone out of His way to ensure I got the message, and that night I heard it loud and clear.

I never saw Sgt Christian again, but I have not forgot that night.  It was a turning point in my life and his obedience to God had more of an impact than he'll likely ever know.  I've been through some rough times, and I've been through depression many times since, but never have I felt alone and forgotten. I can always reflect on the memory of Korea and be reassured that I am not alone. I am significant, and I am loved.

As the years have passed, my strength in the Lord has grown.  There's always room for more growth, but I praise Him that by His mercy and grace I am no longer the woman I used to be.

I feel confident there is someone out there reading this blog who needed this reminder of their value and significance.  If that's you, just know that there is a message coming through loud and clear--- You are not alone.  Our Great God, Creator of the Universe, Creator of Life, Abba Father, cares about you.  He notices you. He loves you. You matter.  Even when you are not seeking Him, He is pursuing you.  Talk to Him.

Romans 8:37-39 No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. For I am sure that neither death nor life, nor angels nor rulers, nor things present nor things to come, nor powers, nor height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord.