This morning, as I was reading in my Bible about Jesus healing, I began pondering and thinking about my Ellie. I remembered feeling God reach in the womb when I was pregnant with her, and feeling Him heal her. I'll always believe He healed her of whatever would have caused her demise---there are so many things that come with the territory of a Turner Syndrome baby. She beat the 99% odds of death, and it was done by the grace and blessing of God. As I was reflecting on this, I remembered that my mantra during pregnancy was "God doesn't heal half way". Many have asked though: If God doesn't heal half way, why does she have so many issues? Why does she still have a heart defect? Why does she have Sensory Processing Disorder? Why does she have a lymphatic malformation in her foot? Why, if the Great God of Creation reached into the womb and healed, did He choose not to give her back the missing X chromosome? Why did He leave her with Turner Syndrome? Why didn't He heal her fully?
While the answer is obvious to me, and I embraced it long ago, I feel it necessary to blog about it so that the "lack of healing" might not shake the faith of others. I rejoice in the fact that I do have an answer; or at least one that I can understand while still here on this earth. Not having to question the "why" is a blessing in and of itself and only serves to increase my faith. The answer is...... He has a greater plan. He didn't choose to "heal half way", He chose to heal according to the way He saw fit. He chose to heal some areas, but not others, because He uses her to bring glory and honor to Him. I can see His hand lovingly working through her situation on a daily basis--even in her trials.
Let me provide you with an example. Her foot. She has a lymphatic malformation that caused severe swelling in her toe. For a year we searched for a doctor who could properly diagnose and treat the problem. By January 2013 it had become life threatening from risk of gangrene and infection, and she was weeks away from a forced amputation. The day I hit my knees and pleaded for help, is the day the Lord placed the right person, at the right time, behind a computer at Vanderbilt Children's Hospital. Out of all the physicians we had seen, and all the phone calls we had made, this one person knew of a team who could address her issue. This stranger behind the computer had just enough knowledge to know where to direct us, and within 24 hours my phone was blowing up with doctors calling to request more information. They were eager to help and suddenly my child was the primary focus of their meetings. The Lord answered our prayer by providing us with the help we needed at exactly the right moment in time. When I had prayerfully asked for help, I had also accepted whatever His will was. Hours later help came. What a great and mighty God we serve! She's had 2 procedures to correct the malformation, and is now living a normal life without fear of infection. No more antibiotics. No more steroids. She can go swimming again. Regular baths can be given. She can wear normal shoes! Her quality of life, while only impacted on a minor scale previously in regards to the grand scheme of life, is now whole and complete. I cannot wait to take her out to play in the snow this winter. It will be her first time to experience the joy of winter!
But why would God leave her with a malformation in her foot when He provided healing elsewhere? The answer is so simple. He chose to leave her with this condition so that others might be helped, and ultimately bring glory to Him. You see, while the doctor's here-and everywhere for that matter since we'd consulted physicians from as far away as Italy-consider this to be a virtually unknown, rare problem it is NOT as rare as they think. Just in my tiny little Facebook support group for TS moms there are 3 other little girls with the exact same problem. Their mothers have also been seeking assistance in the medical community, and most have been seeking for many years. Their daughter's lives are being hindered and their situation has grown much more extreme. Through Ellie, a door has been opened to these children for intervention and help. Some of these parents are preparing to travel to Nashville to meet with Ellie's team of doctors, and some have discovered Vascular Malformation Teams closer to home. Even more important and significant though are the friendships and bonds that have been formed with these women. It's provided an amazing opportunity to share the love of Christ with one another, and to witness to others. Through Ellie's trial, glory is being brought to God and He is actively moving and working in each of their lives.
Some would ask why would God allow her to suffer the pain of this condition. Does that seem fair? Well, as it turns out, He didn't allow Ellie to suffer. Because of her Sensory Processing Disorder, she cannot feel pain to the extent that you and I feel. In fact, the majority of the time during the days when her toe swelled--often to the point of the skin splitting open--she would matter-of-factly state "my toe hurts". That was it. She could only feel the pain to a small extent and a dose of Tylenol took care of any discomfort she had. It was only towards the end of our journey that she truly began to feel pain, and that is the same time period that we found a team to help us. God did not allow her to suffer. Her SPD ensured she remained pain free.
At this point in time, we are now on the journey to help her with the sensory issues. Her foot has been addressed and it's time to go down a new path. In reality, the sensory issues are very minor. Praise God we know about it because it could be a much larger issue later without early intervention! My heart rejoices in the help she is receiving, and most of the time she enjoys the therapy. To her it is play time. For me it is a blessed break, and hour "off duty" to relax while she giddily runs about the OT office playing with shaving cream painting the windows. I know in my heart we are exactly where we are supposed to be at this moment in our lives. It is with thanksgiving and praise we travel to the appointments.
I know there will be many out there who disagree with me. I've already encountered a few who found it horrifying that I believe the Lord chose to leave her with "issues". I find it difficult to imagine how they could not see it for what it is. It is, in fact, Biblical to know that the Lord heals according to the way in which He sees fit.
For He says to Moses, “I will have mercy on whomever I will have mercy, and I will have compassion on whomever I will have compassion …”Therefore He has mercy on whom He wills … But indeed, O’ man, who are you to reply against God? Will the thing formed say to him who formed it, “Why have you made me like this?” Does not the potter have power over the clay …” (Romans 9:15-21)
God does heal. He heals according to His will, His way, and His plans. What we can be sure of is that it always is for our greater good, and for His glory. He does not desire and enjoy our suffering, but He knows the end result of our trials and He knows what we need to craft us, mold us, and shape us. Who are we to question His sovereign plan? We are to rejoice in our trials, and to remain thankful, prayerfully obedient and praising Him through the storms. His grace is sufficient.
And he said unto me, My grace is sufficient for thee: for my strength is made perfect in weakness. Most gladly therefore will I rather glory in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me.
(2 Corinthians 12:9)
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